To: Kenji

At times like this, I hate the fact that I'm an ocean away, powerless to be able to help the ones that I care for. At times like this, I despise the fact that there's a huge time difference, and that I only managed to read this post so much later - and only because I was prompted by your message on facebook, Kenji, which made me worry that something had gone wrong. And true enough, it seems like something has happened.

I want to give you such a big hug now, Kenji. And I'd give you a whole tub of ice cream, and we can watch sappy movies, and then you can cry to me about how unfair life is, or how much everything seems to suck in life. And I'd listen, even though I wouldn't have much to say. Then we'd go out for food, and you could have all the food you want and I'd listen to you rant so more. And that would be fine, as long as there's someone who could be there for you.

Heartbreaks can be one of the most fucked up things in the world, especially if there are other problems in the mix. When the whole world seems to be against you, all you want to do is to just escape it all, isn't it? But Kenji, here's one thing that I should warn you about - the more you try to escape from it, the worse it will be when it comes back to haunt you. Don't hurt yourself. Don't punish yourself for loving. Stop punching walls. Stop sleeping at such ungodly hours. Stop - just allow yourself to breathe a little.

It'd be stupid for me to claim that I "understand", because even if I have been through shit, I'm not exactly in your situation - but I do know that when the hurt comes, it does crash and burn. Still, remember that it's better to love than to hate. Loving is a gift that comes to humans, Kenji, remember that. It hurts people and we always mess it up - but we never truly stop loving. I'm not asking you to stop loving him - but I just wanted to say that no matter what - no matter what happens after this, do not resort to hating. That goes not only to the one you love, but to your family as well - despite the fact that they may have been taking some of their anger out on you.

You brave, brave boy.

I'm sure that Flamie will no doubt agree that you've been so brave, handling all the problems that has been thrown to you. You've been hurt, and nothing feels right now for you. Will time heal the scars? Honestly, it's hard to tell. With each passing month the pain might dull down, but you would never be able to forget this time of turmoil that you're currently going through. It's another one of life's painful experiences. The truth hurts, and it always will.

...I want to give you a big, fucking hug right now.

And I'm not asking you to go fish for some other fishies now, either. No - that would be a ridiculous way of trying to put things right. What I want you to do now is to just...lay low for a little while. What matters to you in life other than love, Kenji? Is there anything else that you'd want to achieve? Is there something else that you want to focus on? If there is, then go for it. Don't let it get you down. Don't tell yourself that without love, it'd be impossible for you to do anything else. Don't tell yourself that with all the pain you're feeling, everything else would seem impossible.

If anything, pain makes humans stronger. It's hard to see it now, but in the future, perhaps you might understand it - that everything we go through, makes us humans for what we are in the very present day.

I just really wish I could be there for you, physically. I know how bad it feels when everything just feels empty and that there's no one. Remember, though - even if Flamie and I may not be able to be physically there for you, we'll always be rooting for you. I haven't chatted to you two live in ages, but...

...Just rant to us in this blog, whenever you want to. Or just facebook message me, for that matter. We want to be there for you, and we'll do our best. We can't solve your problems, or take your pain away - but we'll always be here to listen.

You'll get through this, and ten years from now, you'll look back and see it as a painful experience that makes you who you are today.

Okay?

I miss you too, Kenji. 

I have this sudden nostalgic feeling about quite a few people back home. It makes me wonder whether they're going through some rough patches, too. After all, life keeps going on, doesn't it? It just continues changing. But regardless of what everyone goes through, the days still go by. The sun still sets and rises in that usual fashion, and...and time just goes on like that.

You're not a bad person, Kenji.

No one was born to be. No one deserves to be unhappy. But everyone has a different version of being "happy", and when we try to achieve that "happiness", we hurt each other. We humans are selfish. When we try to attain what we want, we inevitably end up hurting each other. If you look at it in a subjective way, that boy you love was also only trying to attain his happiness, wasn't he?

Happines is subjective - but remember, you are not a bad person, nor do you deserve any pain or hurt.

Things just happen. Shit just goes down.

Still, don't forget this. 

Remember, we'll be here.