This is going to be text heavy, so don't read if you don't want to. It was this month that i realised i was falling for my best pal, he's gay too. but that doesn't really matter. We've been friends since poly started in April, we came out to eachother fairly early in our friendship, that only brought us closer. Pretty soon we were the best of buds, with ups and downs here and there, i didn't really realise it, but i was slowly falling for him. and soon it became ever more evident, when i told him not do something drastic to his life, even though i really shouldn't have bothered, that was the starting point. So being in denial and not wanting to risk our friendship, i drowned myself in games, mapled my heart out, spent around a 1000 sgd in july alone. all to drown out all the nonsense or so i thought i was feeling.
Eventually i came to accept my feelings, that i fell for him hard, and i came to know that it really was true love, considering i knew him as a friend and slowly more. not just a simple stupid crush, and here comes the funny part, haha. my inability to express myself, to let him know for real that i loved him, he went on to meet someone else, they're in their honeymoon stage now, they met in a club, had a wonderful time, went on a date just yesterday, texting happily non stop i assume as well. It started on a saturday, for god knows why i was so bored, i stayed up till 7am, only to receive a text from him, asking why i ain't a asleep, he just ended his magical night at a club, where he met this wonderful guy, had the time of his life. making out, dancing,etc. Words could not express the amount of pain and hurt that surged right into me at that point, ever felt like there was a stake in your chest? and yet being unable to have it removed. Thats where the horrible mood started. I started to feel like a sap more and more constantly each day, and nobody was there for me. My secondary school friends are either too busy with their lives, or aren't bothered about my well being at all, i was there crying out loud on twitter for almost a whole day, and the people i needed the most to cry my heart out too weren't there. I can't blame anyone, afterall i don't have a lot of friends to confide to actually. So as the days go by, i started feeling more depressed each night, punching walls, crying myself to sleep. Feeling the sting of heartache wherever i was.
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| drew this today. |
Moving on from that, monday morning when i woke up for school, i heard a loud crash, my mom fell of a ladder, she had to be admitted to a hospital, where she is now, waiting for her foot to swell down so she can get an operation. I didn't need anymore things to add on to the chaos now, besides the emotional whirlpool of crap going on, i have to worry about my mom as well, sounds selfish i know. I was just tired of everything. I con tempted smoking,drinking, hurting myself which i already did, and just plain jumping into a train track. Sounds like im an attention seeker, maybe i am, i do kinda need some attention now. and that monday morning, i thought he met the fella for just one magical night, to my dismay they were already texting eachother and planning for a date at one of the most wonderfully romantic places to be, Marina Bay, u know where the fountains and light shows happen at night. it felt like a thousand hammers pounding on my chest, i just wanted to cry on the bus ride home, but my gongcha helped with its sweet taste and pudding goodness. I was really a loss, with nothing left for me to say. I went home, and all i saw was my mom in pain and in anger, commanding me to do errands for her, i mean i couldn't refuse, but it still wasn't a right time for me to actually do anything. I just wanted to jump on my bed and cry everything away. Anyway, i went out to do her errands, only to be told i didn't do them "right", i paid for all the things she asked me to buy with my allowance, cause i didn't wanna pester her for money. and so later my dad was gonna bring her to the hospital along with the maid, i was kind of glad actually, i could be alone at home and finally break down. But she demanded i go along, so i was cooked up in a hospital with the most crappiest service ever. (expected because it was a goverment funded one) Anyway i went home, late in the night, While he was having a wonderful date out there, and to his words made him "blush all the way home". I sound so jealous, petty and stupid i know. But it hurts. Seeing the person you've come to fall for love and smile with someone else. It just stings so much. and so, i ended my monday night (30th July) early, with me weeping punching walls and crying to sleep.
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| i told myself i'd fight for you. |
Moving on to the next day, Tuesday. Today, i went to school with the resolve of trying to be happy, being like myself. I found myself smiling in the morning, obviously trying to hide the pain i was feeling inside, but things got too painful, he was texting and smiling to himself all morning, and the only thought in my head was, "i wish that was me making u smile". I started to curl up back into my hole of quiet solitude, only to come out again, when we started talking and i attempted to do silly things, like carry him on my shoulders, but i was too weak to do anything. haha, sucks to lack upper body strength, anyways he put his arms around me, hugged me, and i did the same, it cheered me up slightly on the inside, but still, the stake remained lodged into me. Eventually school ended, and me realizing i couldn't take it anymore, i went straight to the hospital to see my mom. i planned just to see if she was ok, talk to her for awhile, cause i planned to go home and well breakdown again what a pussy of a person i am, i know, it was an empty house cause dad was at work and the maid was looking after my mom. But yeah if would be rude, so i remained there for 2hours, till i was finally home. Only to be nagged at by my dad. I know things haven't exactly been going so well and he's tired, but still. I feel like breaking down too. So i got home, im sure he was probably still talking to his lets just say boyfriend, i mean its fairy obvious. While im trying to piece myself back together. So eventually, i told myself to sleep early, cause i couldn't take it anymore. but then i picked up my phone, and started to pen down everything that was on my mind, and it turned out good. I penned down the confession i was too daft to say.
so yeah, thats about what i wrote down, and now, im waiting for the day i can show this to him. with that crumbling resolve in my mind, i don't know what to do now, as i continue to fall to pieces.
I had a discussion with flamie earlier, i truly ain't a bad person am i? I deserve happiness as well don't I? so why does god(should he exist) continue to play such games with me.
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| but then i remember this, never the less i still think i deserve something. |
If you guys made it this far, Thanks for reading, truth be told i miss you anne, you're probably the one who could understand what im going through the most right now.
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