Humans are such irritating, complex beings. They say that human are born pure and happy. But it's what happens in life that brings about a change to us, that twists our personality, that makes us selfish, angry, sad, and wretched at the same time. Deep inside we do know that it's wrong, but yet we still feel.

It's stupid to want to stop "feeling", simply because it's impossible.

But Kenji, you are not a bad person despite of all the things you feel in your heart.

As Flamie has said before, you're Kenji.

You're the Kenji who makes us laugh with your cracked up jokes. You're the Kenji who we treat as someone really close to our hearts. You're the Kenji who has had his heart broken over and over again. You're the Kenji who's struggling against loneliness and hurt. You're the Kenji who has selfish wishes, who loves and falls.

You're Kenji.

We see you for who you are. We don't give a shit about whatever faults you think you have - because to us, you are you. And that's it. We don't see you as someone "bad", as someone who's "emotional", as someone who's "selfish". We like you as you are, regardless of how many challenges you face. We like you as you are, hear it? If you claim yourself to be a "bad person", then fine, we still like the "bad Kenji" because it's still "Kenji". And nothing will ever change that. YOU ARE KENJI, DAMN IT. Stop being an idiot and thinking about how you will become "bad". All of us have our bad sides, and you know it. It sounds horrible cliched, I know, but it's damn well true. I have my downs, Flamie has her downs. Does it matter? We're all friends, aren't we? That's why we're here!

...

I must warn you, though, Kenji.

No matter what you do, never give in to vengeance.

It's okay to feel angry. It's okay to feel like smashing someone's head to a wall. Heck, every morning I have a list of people who I want to butcher with a pickaxe. I suppose that's fine - these feelings are temporary, they're nothing serious, and I would never ever physically do it.

But when it starts turning into an obsession, then you have to be careful. And tell us straightaway. Alright? Because Flamie and I will shake ya' out of it.

...

By the way, thanks, guys. For the encouragement, for the support. I've never thought about things in that way, but you two do help me to see things from a different perspective.

...

You know what? Sometimes I think courage is all we need. The courage to admit who we really are deep inside, what we fear, and what we desire. And we've been admitting openly how we do fall to pieces. So that makes us a really brave lot, huh?

I guess sometimes everyone just needs to be brave to see things a little differently. To accept. To forgive. To forget. Healing takes time - and the process of healing is a difficult one that takes bravery from the one who's hurt.

Today I sorta screwed up my Economics test. And I came home with a sore throat, feeling all upset, depressed and utterly screwed up. So I was like, "hey, I'mma just gonna draw something." And so here it goes...

No matter how hard things are, just try again.

One more time. 

Kenji must not ruin himself. 
Kenji must save himself.
Anne must stop fearing the past.
Flamie must continue being the one we love.
Kenji will continue feeling, although
that perhaps may not be such a bad thing
if it leaves you contented to being able to feel in this manner

but if it doesn't, and if it hurts too much beyond recognition
then cut it off
and watch it bleed away, never to return again

however, if you do that
beware, for you may turn into a cold, unapproachable person

the best way is to always have a balance between the two

and have your friends by your side. 

NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU kenji ;_; don't crumble

I and Anne would be very very sad if you did,

I don't really know how to comfort kenji but
if your 'love' is only hurting you then,
this 'love', never think about it again,
do not cling to this 'love', convincing yourself to accept this 'love' you have for him -
even if your 'love' shouts at you that 'I can't help but love him',
even if a little piece of you somewhere inside thinks 'maybe he'd look at me the same way someday'
don't tell me you know it 'won't happen' -
because if kenji really thought so, kenji probably wouldn't be having thoughts about him now, wanting to hold, to comfort, to care and 'love' him.

you actually felt a little bit of hope whilst feeling guilty when the guy he was dating told him he just wanted to be 'friends' right?
that feeling...
discard it.


then maybe, maybe kenji won't be so sad anymore.

but if you...
can't


perhaps it is time for you to start being less passive.
every time kenji has felt 'love',
kenji has never acted upon it
until he realises it is too late,
why?

To love ,
is to make your very being vulnerable just to that person,
where you're fragile enough to crumble beyond repair,

26th August 2012

Another month is coming to an end yet again, how are you two?.

I find myself having distorted thoughts and feelings as of now, i feel like things are repeating themselves yet again. come to think of it, its been a month or so since every single thing started unfolding, my mom falling, me starting to fall in love, getting my heart broken, etc.

and now almost a month later, i find myself still having feelings for him, though i know he will never feel the same way for me. About 2 days ago or so, the person he was seeing or well dating, told him he just wanted to be friends. something i've been wishing for and chanting to myself for the past weeks. What i've been hoping for came true nonetheless, though it made me question if i was a bad person or not. because i've been wishing for his source of happiness to shatter him too, because what i felt was horribly indescribably painful.

Anyway, i'll get to the point. I've been suppressing my feelings for awhile, and acting like i've been alright and smiling and all for the past 2 weeks or so was alright, it actually felt like things were going to be normal and fine again. and now, i find myself caring for him, wanting to know his whereabouts and what his current escapades are. I don't get it, he isn't mind and i find myself being possessive yet again. Its not that i want to be possessive like a freak. i just want to be with him, i want to call him mine. ahahaha, this must sound really selfish. cause when i'm with him, and we just have fun and talk about crap, it makes me feel so much comfort and happiness.

and to conclude, even after what seems to be a long time has past, i still like him. at least it confirms things that my feelings aren't a joke or a crush, but genuine, and this brings me back to my dilemma, am i going to have to go through all the pain and suffering again should he meet someone new? (im pretty sure he's on his way to finding someone new again) i don't want to have to go through everything again, feeling pain, feeling that i'm not good enough, feeling that stinging crap feeling in my chest every second of the day because i know i can't have him. i don't want to experience all those again.

anyways, sorry for the long draggy post.i just needed somewhere to rant. sucks to continue to love someone who will never feel the same way. ahahaha. fuck myself.

Wishing you the best of luck with your driving tests, Anne. 

I admit...I am not the most, or rather, 'suitable' person to talk with when it concerns emotions....and all those sorts of feelings,

...and the fact that "cheer up" sounds rather superficial when written down or spoken with my words is another down point...

but Anne, remember, whilst 'going forward','experiencing new things' and 'never looking back' are all good things that you should keep doing, going 'back' towards your home may not be filled with that dread that is eating you up when you return there, 

maybe you'd sit in that same room, see all the reminders which made you sad and angry, and, instead of feeling those same strong negative emotions over again, you'd experience it to a lesser degree. 

I don't really know how to explain it, but whilst you experience that 'sadness and anger' to a lesser degree...maybe you'd find something else mixed in there,

nostalgia, 

hatred,

loneliness,

and perhaps that tiny piece of peace from within.

you are not who you were before Anne, that personality of the 'past' may still be there, but it has been built upon has it not? built upon by all those new experiences, new friends, new responsibilities, thoughts and actions to form 'you' of now,

so don't fear 'home', Anne,

'home', your 'past', will remain 'what' it was, 'when' it was, and 'how' it was, because 'home' is an unchanging variable,

but 'who' you were and 'who' you are now, certainly has changed. This change, or your 'perspective' has 'power' to repaint 'home' from 'what it was' into 'what is shall be now'. 

have courage. 

21st August 2012

hey anne,

i guess i should apologize as well, being one of those who ignorantly didn't realize how much of a painful experience you went through back home, and well being forced to revisit the unpleasant things isn't nice. I'm sorry for not taking what you typed on facebook as seriously as i should.

i know returning to malaysia and revisiting your room and the other things you've left in there may hurt and remind you of the bad stuff, but hey, thats what they're ever gonna be, memories of the past. and believe or not, i'm pretty sure you've changed, yes the memory may haunt you and they may open some old wounds, but all they're ever gonna be are memories. All you have to do is overwrite them with new pleasant ones, i mean you're 18, theres still lots of time to re write and erase those horrible moments. I know what im saying now is probably crap, and yes i can't really help ease the pain of going back, but since you have to go back, might as well make the best of it, eh? have some fun visiting your friends, the ones worth being there for and worth remembering. Try your best not to browse through the old stuff that might bring back those bad feelings. Look forward to the future, don't dwell back to the past and feel bad :/ . Cheer up ya.

and again all the best for your driving tests. and well -hug- . come to think of it, Anne i never did thank you properly for that post. That post churned enough emotions to reduce me to a crying piece of cheese, well in public, cause i was reading it on the phone in school. but yeah thanks Anne, the tears all came out after that.

I've been doing fine i guess, heavy gaming, catching new shoes and re-establishing my relationship with my secondary school mates. It has been an emotional roller coaster since the end of july to near mid august, but yeah i can safely say i'm doing better. i even went on a date with someone younger than me on friday. i didn't exactly have the best time of my life, but it was alright. and i think i'll hold off on dating and yearning for a relationship for awhile, all that crap made me realize i can't exactly hope for the best and have things turn out the way i want. so yeah i'll just be single and die alone with my dog or smth. or at least till im old enough to go into a club or smth, actually i dont know, all the blabber im typing now must sound weird, forgive me its 4:15am in the morning and im studying for a test tmr.

oh yeah did i forget to mention its exam week, oh the joy of having to sit for business modules like accounting, economics and statistics, not to mention i screwed up my marketing paper last friday because i was 30mins late for the paper, for some odd reason i thought the paper was 30mins later than the appointed time. i was busy studying the whole night too, what a shame.

and after all that crap i've felt the past weeks, i can't help but think that im becoming a rather mean and nasty person, i mean i am like that on the outside, but on the inside i've always thought of myself as a wonderfully nice and beautifully gentle soul. but recently, i kept finding myself wishing for the exact same kind of pain and misery to befall on that fella who broke my heart, i keep feeling anger and rage against him, though i know he doesn't deserve it, and well i don't exactly show it to him, which means im a fake as well. I find myself smiling at the mere thought of him sitting down and crying and going through the same shit i felt. I can't help but feel that im turning into a bad person.  honestly i don't think its justified that he go through the same things i went through, but still..... bleh. k i should stop the verbal vomit, my brain isn't exactly functioning alright now.

just wanted to let you guys know im fine, what goes up must come down from time to time eh?. and thanks again for being there for me, the both of u.

Guys,

I fear going back to Malaysia.

Believe it or not, I'm actually scared of returning there.

People around me don't understand why I hate going back so much. They don't get it, they find it funny. And weird at the same time.

But it's been getting so bad that it's been haunting me in my dreams.

I refuse to go back to a place where so many bad memories exist. Where a family is so fucked up and can't stop their painful arguments. I should've gotten used to it after enduring it for so many years, but I still can't. I don't want to return to an old room where I used to cry there everyday. I don't want to see all the reminders of  my teenage years, where I struggled through being bullied and bullying others in return. I don't want to see the old things I drew, the pages  I ripped up, everything that told me how sad and angry I felt that time.

But I have to return home. I already have the flight tickets. Because I have to learn how to drive, and it's cheaper to learn it in Malaysia. It's inevitable.

And I hate it.

I don't really expect to get a reply for this, but...sigh. I'll just share it with you guys, I suppose.

*Gives virtual hugs*

How is everyone?

Kenji, how are things going on?

And Flamie, too.

I miss you guys.

Sometimes I feel that this is the best place to let it all out.

"I just want you both to be happy forever" is perhaps a bit too much to ask for.
but I think that's what I think.

So...although somewhere inside you, you're still very sad kenji, that kind of thing, even if the topic regarding emotions is something I do not know as well as you and anne, I think you'll definitely find happiness again eventually.

The image above is probably not very clear but,
let's just say,
that's us three.
and if we can't give kenji hugs physically,
pictures happen.

and one day, who knows, you'll find someone who loves you just as much in the same kind of way, kenji.

on a side note,
anne, it has indeed been a long time

To: Kenji

At times like this, I hate the fact that I'm an ocean away, powerless to be able to help the ones that I care for. At times like this, I despise the fact that there's a huge time difference, and that I only managed to read this post so much later - and only because I was prompted by your message on facebook, Kenji, which made me worry that something had gone wrong. And true enough, it seems like something has happened.

I want to give you such a big hug now, Kenji. And I'd give you a whole tub of ice cream, and we can watch sappy movies, and then you can cry to me about how unfair life is, or how much everything seems to suck in life. And I'd listen, even though I wouldn't have much to say. Then we'd go out for food, and you could have all the food you want and I'd listen to you rant so more. And that would be fine, as long as there's someone who could be there for you.

Heartbreaks can be one of the most fucked up things in the world, especially if there are other problems in the mix. When the whole world seems to be against you, all you want to do is to just escape it all, isn't it? But Kenji, here's one thing that I should warn you about - the more you try to escape from it, the worse it will be when it comes back to haunt you. Don't hurt yourself. Don't punish yourself for loving. Stop punching walls. Stop sleeping at such ungodly hours. Stop - just allow yourself to breathe a little.

It'd be stupid for me to claim that I "understand", because even if I have been through shit, I'm not exactly in your situation - but I do know that when the hurt comes, it does crash and burn. Still, remember that it's better to love than to hate. Loving is a gift that comes to humans, Kenji, remember that. It hurts people and we always mess it up - but we never truly stop loving. I'm not asking you to stop loving him - but I just wanted to say that no matter what - no matter what happens after this, do not resort to hating. That goes not only to the one you love, but to your family as well - despite the fact that they may have been taking some of their anger out on you.

You brave, brave boy.

I'm sure that Flamie will no doubt agree that you've been so brave, handling all the problems that has been thrown to you. You've been hurt, and nothing feels right now for you. Will time heal the scars? Honestly, it's hard to tell. With each passing month the pain might dull down, but you would never be able to forget this time of turmoil that you're currently going through. It's another one of life's painful experiences. The truth hurts, and it always will.

...I want to give you a big, fucking hug right now.

And I'm not asking you to go fish for some other fishies now, either. No - that would be a ridiculous way of trying to put things right. What I want you to do now is to just...lay low for a little while. What matters to you in life other than love, Kenji? Is there anything else that you'd want to achieve? Is there something else that you want to focus on? If there is, then go for it. Don't let it get you down. Don't tell yourself that without love, it'd be impossible for you to do anything else. Don't tell yourself that with all the pain you're feeling, everything else would seem impossible.

If anything, pain makes humans stronger. It's hard to see it now, but in the future, perhaps you might understand it - that everything we go through, makes us humans for what we are in the very present day.

I just really wish I could be there for you, physically. I know how bad it feels when everything just feels empty and that there's no one. Remember, though - even if Flamie and I may not be able to be physically there for you, we'll always be rooting for you. I haven't chatted to you two live in ages, but...

...Just rant to us in this blog, whenever you want to. Or just facebook message me, for that matter. We want to be there for you, and we'll do our best. We can't solve your problems, or take your pain away - but we'll always be here to listen.

You'll get through this, and ten years from now, you'll look back and see it as a painful experience that makes you who you are today.

Okay?

I miss you too, Kenji. 

I have this sudden nostalgic feeling about quite a few people back home. It makes me wonder whether they're going through some rough patches, too. After all, life keeps going on, doesn't it? It just continues changing. But regardless of what everyone goes through, the days still go by. The sun still sets and rises in that usual fashion, and...and time just goes on like that.

You're not a bad person, Kenji.

No one was born to be. No one deserves to be unhappy. But everyone has a different version of being "happy", and when we try to achieve that "happiness", we hurt each other. We humans are selfish. When we try to attain what we want, we inevitably end up hurting each other. If you look at it in a subjective way, that boy you love was also only trying to attain his happiness, wasn't he?

Happines is subjective - but remember, you are not a bad person, nor do you deserve any pain or hurt.

Things just happen. Shit just goes down.

Still, don't forget this. 

Remember, we'll be here.

1st August 2012

let me start of this new month with a song, describing me now.

This is going to be text heavy, so don't read if you don't want to. It was this month that i realised i was falling for my best pal, he's gay too. but that doesn't really matter. We've been friends since poly started in April, we came out to eachother fairly early in our friendship, that only brought us closer. Pretty soon we were the best of buds, with ups and downs here and there, i didn't really realise it, but i was slowly falling for him. and soon it became ever more evident, when i told him not do something drastic to his life, even though i really shouldn't have bothered, that was the starting point. So being in denial and not wanting to risk our friendship, i drowned myself in games, mapled my heart out, spent around a 1000 sgd in july alone. all to drown out all the nonsense or so i thought i was feeling.

Eventually i came to accept my feelings, that i fell for him hard, and i came to know that it really was true love, considering i knew him as a friend and slowly more. not just a simple stupid crush, and here comes the funny part, haha. my inability to express myself, to let him know for real that i loved him, he went on to meet someone else, they're in their honeymoon stage now, they met in a club, had a wonderful time, went on a date just yesterday, texting happily non stop i assume as well. It started on a saturday, for god knows why i was so bored, i stayed up till 7am, only to receive a text from him, asking why i ain't a asleep, he just ended his magical night at a club, where he met this wonderful guy, had the time of his life. making out, dancing,etc. Words could not express the amount of pain and hurt that surged right into me at that point, ever felt like there was a stake in your chest? and yet being unable to have it removed. Thats where the horrible mood started. I started to feel like a sap more and more constantly each day, and nobody was there for me. My secondary school friends are either too busy with their lives, or aren't bothered about my well being at all, i was there crying out loud on twitter for almost a whole day, and the people i needed the most to cry my heart out too weren't there. I can't blame anyone, afterall i don't have a lot of friends to confide to actually. So as the days go by, i started feeling more depressed each night, punching walls, crying myself to sleep. Feeling the sting of heartache wherever i was.

drew this today.

Moving on from that, monday morning when i woke up for school, i heard a loud crash, my mom fell of a ladder, she had to be admitted to a hospital, where she is now, waiting for her foot to swell down so she can get an operation. I didn't need anymore things to add on to the chaos now, besides the emotional whirlpool of crap going on, i have to worry about my mom as well, sounds selfish i know. I was just tired of everything. I con tempted smoking,drinking, hurting myself which i already did, and just plain jumping into a train track. Sounds like im an attention seeker, maybe i am, i do kinda need some attention now. and that monday morning, i thought he met the fella for just one magical night, to my dismay they were already texting eachother and planning for a date at one of the most wonderfully romantic places to be, Marina Bay, u know where the fountains and light shows happen at night. it felt like a thousand hammers pounding on my chest, i just wanted to cry on the bus ride home, but my gongcha helped with its sweet taste and pudding goodness. I was really a loss, with nothing left for me to say. I went home, and all i saw was my mom in pain and in anger, commanding me to do errands for her, i mean i couldn't refuse, but it still wasn't a right time for me to actually do anything. I just wanted to jump on my bed and cry everything away. Anyway, i went out to do her errands, only to be told i didn't do them "right", i paid for all the things she asked me to buy with my allowance, cause i didn't wanna pester her for money. and so later my dad was gonna bring her to the hospital along with the maid, i was kind of glad actually, i could be alone at home and finally break down. But she demanded i go along, so i was cooked up in a hospital with the most crappiest service ever. (expected because it was a goverment funded one) Anyway i went home, late in the night, While he was having a wonderful date out there, and to his words made him "blush all the way home". I sound so jealous, petty and stupid i know. But it hurts. Seeing the person you've come to fall for love and smile with someone else. It just stings so much. and so, i ended my monday night (30th July) early, with me weeping punching walls and crying to sleep.

i told myself i'd fight for you.

Moving on to the next day, Tuesday. Today, i went to school with the resolve of trying to be happy, being like myself. I found myself smiling in the morning, obviously trying to hide the pain i was feeling inside, but things got too painful, he was texting and smiling to himself all morning, and the only thought in my head was, "i wish that was me making u smile". I started to curl up back into my hole of quiet solitude, only to come out again, when we started talking and i attempted to do silly things, like carry him on my shoulders, but i was too weak to do anything. haha, sucks to lack upper body strength, anyways he put his arms around me, hugged me, and i did the same, it cheered me up slightly on the inside, but still, the stake remained lodged into me. Eventually school ended, and me realizing i couldn't take it anymore, i went straight to the hospital to see my mom. i planned just to see if she was ok, talk to her for awhile, cause i planned to go home and well breakdown again what a pussy of a person i am, i know, it was an empty house cause dad was at work and the maid was looking after my mom. But yeah if would be rude, so i remained there for 2hours, till i was finally home. Only to be nagged at by my dad. I know things haven't exactly been going so well and he's tired, but still. I feel like breaking down too. So i got home, im sure he was probably still talking to his lets just say boyfriend, i mean its fairy obvious. While im trying to piece myself back together. So eventually, i told myself to sleep early, cause i couldn't take it anymore. but then i picked up my phone, and started to pen down everything that was on my mind, and it turned out good. I penned down the confession i was too daft to say.

so yeah, thats about what i wrote down, and now, im waiting for the day i can show this to him. with that crumbling resolve in my mind, i don't know what to do now, as i continue to fall to pieces.

I had a discussion with flamie earlier, i truly ain't a bad person am i? I deserve happiness as well don't I? so why does god(should he exist) continue to play such games with me.

but then i remember this, never the less i still think i deserve something.

If you guys made it this far, Thanks for reading, truth be told i miss you anne, you're probably the one who could understand what im going through the most right now.