8th January 2013

I assume that eventually i'll end up psychotic .

I have so much negativity bottled up inside me, with no outlet to vent it all out.

school has been hectic, projects and assignments due soon, and group mates who won't contribute much.

friends who wouldn't give a hoot about my well being. I mean unless I jump down a cliff or something, which is what I've been considering to be a valid option to end all this negativity.

I'm just so tired, so exhausted of trying to be strong, because eventually even a fake front of strength means people will care less about you, eventually to the point where they don't care at all because they assume you're alright and that you don't crumble. eventually completely being indifferent to your cries of pain and suffering.

I just want a friendship like I used to have, where I need not chuckle a word, and have someone know that something's wrong on the inside, a simple gesture of care would actually do me so much right now. 

Just when things were getting alright, I end up relying on people too much yet again, I need to fucking get it in my head that when all's said and done, or in my case nothing being said or done at all, nobody's gonna be left there except yourself. 

I'm just so very very exhausted with life. and its only been 8days into the new year. hahaahhaaha.

2013

I can't wait to meet you man, Kenji. IT'S LIKE MEETING AN OLD FRIEND, FOR THE VERY VERY VERY FIRST TIME...

2012 was...man, it was just a year full of learning. I can't even begin because I have no idea what to say. At the same time it's been falling into cracks, slipping into old mistakes - and yet in the same time it's seeing the outside world, reacting to every single touch and taste.

It was indescribable.

Falling in love came, once or twice. I don't think about it anymore - at this moment I'm in the mood for throwing some pillows at others, a food fight, a good night of clubbing in MOS - I'm smiling too much for this shit, it's not natural. Seriously.

There are some old people who will be on my mind even in 2013 still. It's not really a good thing, but for now I can care less. Whatever will happen shall happen. There is nothing to fear - that's what I tell myself, anyway. And...for your sake, Kenji, I hope you do not fear too.

Emotional turmoils happen year after year. It's so hard to escape in them. We tangle up so easily in our own mess that there's no way out. It's all in our mind, in our head, in our thoughts. We're our own enemies, we're the ones who kill ourselves - and yet at the same time, we allow it to happen.

Perhaps what everyone needs is strength - strength to accept, strength to forgive, strength to move on.

It doesn't matter how many times I've been friendzoned. Sometimes I want to kill them all, and yet at the same time it's the jealousy and anger I feel. They've never done me wrong, and they've got all the right in the world to reject me.

I was once so hurt and dejected that I said, "No one will be there to catch you when you fall."

It was in reference to a friend who I had always supported - he was the one I trusted the most. And yet when it was the most crucial, he rejected me. *shrug* No big deal, it should have been - and yet I was upset beyond recognition.

What upset me even more was his response.

"You'll be there to catch me when I fall. I trust you. :')"

Well, bloody hell. Can't cut the whole thing off even if I tried.

But I guess that's alright. Having loved and lost is better than not loving at all, right? That line's pretty bullshit, since I'd rather feel bored and apathetic than feel like being shredded into pieces.

Let's just be who we are. Let's just treat this new year like a new page - a fresh start, maybe, despite everything we've been through in the past. Let's try our best to let nothing hold us back. Perhaps we should forget about old grudges, forget about the old feelings. Even if we can't, we should try and make ourselves forget. Sometimes force works.

Happy new year, Flamie and Kenji. You two have been such close friends of mine. I really feel lucky to have you two by my side.