12th July 2013

the past few days have been. blissful.

the subtle caresses, the secret kisses.

the exchange of loving glances.

they have been blissful. they have been.

i've been feeling amazing since i've found our feelings to be mutual.

i have.

but i don't know. sometimes i feel like i'm just waiting for me to screw up. for you to suddenly just leave.

for your feelings to fade. for mine to grow more stronger. i don't know.

the entire thing just feels so surreal. i love you. i really do.

and the past few days i've been reassuring myself that it may not happen. i may not screw up. your feelings may not fade.

we'll be happy together, for the months to come.

all to be slapped by reality.

we're not exactly together are we?. we haven't exactly defined our relationship since that day. 

are we a couple? are we exclusive? or are we just as we were?

i can't say i'm happy.

i can't say i'm not affected.

because i am. so terribly unhappy that you're going out with him tomorrow.

in fact you even hid it from me.

but i guess you found it important that i knew about it in the end.

and i guess i'll just have to do my part and trust you won't i?. 

trust that you won't stray off. trust that you're feelings for me are genuinely there.

trust that we're meant to be.

trust that you feel the same way.

8th July 2013

私はあなたのために落ちた、あなたは私の心を壊したが、私はまだもう一度あなたのために落ちた。

finally everything seems to be coming to place. becoming better. i can smile genuinely.

or so it seems.

6th July 2013

4th July 2013

i was angry. 

i really was. 

i was wrong about it though. 

i have no right to be. i don't want to be.

i notice how i'm starting to get possessive, even jealous.

but as i've said. i have no right to be. you're not mine to begin with. 

i just. i dont know. 

i've got some feelings to sort out. some of them to suppress.

i've got to stop, stop feeling so clingy towards you. its not healthy for everyone.

and the funniest part is. i ain't as weak as you claim me to be, i haven't been fooling around.

i know what i want. and its you. unfortunately you'll never feel that way too.

because i'll never enough.

2nd July 2013

So tired. So very tired with everything. It's been a second night in a roll where I've had arguments with people that are important to me. What's worse, over a stupid picture this time. I mean I admit I've smoked before. I did. And I don't regret it. It hasn't even become a habit, nor an addiction. It was just, a spur of the moment thing. 

And now, you won't even talk to me. Can't you understand that I need you the most right now? You're the only thing keeping me from doing stupid shit like this. 

Pathetic. Pathetic is what I am. To have grown so reliant on you. To have ingrained such a need for you.  I've turned into nothing but a pathetic piece of flesh. 

I've never blamed you for my actions. Nor do I blame you for what I've become. Yet you assumed the worst. I don't know anymore.

Perhaps it's easier for you just to leave me using this reason. Perhaps it'll be better for me in the lo g run. I mean after the last time, being isolated and left alone helped me grow so much. I don't know anymore. Tell me, what should I do?.

What do you want me to do?.

Why am I so pathetic?.

How can I keep on making sure that we're ok?.

I've becoming weaker and weaker each day.

Pretty soon. I won't give a fuck anymore.

I can't take the relentless waves of emotional pain coming from everyone.

I wish. For things to just remain the way they were.