Just three teens lookin' at the future.: October 2012

A Memoir of our Friendship,

Awkward Beginnings

It was in the early months of 2010, when I first met you. Albeit I found you to be the strange guy that came around to my class regularly just to talk to a rather recent quittance of mine, and as my friendship with said quittance blossomed through gaming, and as the days slowly went by, I came to find that you were slowly becoming part of my life, at first being nothing more than the guy who came by daily, but as the annoying pest who cheekily annoyed me, as i annoyed you back.

It wasn't long before I caught you on a bad day, where you flared out at me for the first time, and at the same time I became aware about your anger issues, and usually, normal "hi-bye" friends should part at that moment, yet we still managed to hold onto whatever we were. It was during the end of 2010 where I completely forgot about you and ventured on into the next level of my education, the O'Level year of 2011.

How the Hell Did That Happen Again?

It was during that year, where our friendship significantly developed into something much more, at least to me, we would become something more than just "hi-bye" friends. and it happened around the beginning of that year. Besides being in a lot of the same classes, it was that fateful night we shared on the phone that probably began everything. To be honest, given the way we were, I shouldn't have even bothered to be talking with you that night. Well before i dabble on to what exactly happened, I need to explain why we were even on the phone. You were experiencing the emotional fallout of a rejection albeit by a crush, and me knowing that pain, decided to be a nice person and console you. It started off weird, because you were talking to the other friends of mine at first, and I just happened to join the call at which they were consoling you, and as the night progressed and they went to sleep, you were left with me, and as I began to logically tell you why you shouldn't be sad because you hardly knew her or her life, something took a turn to the weird, we started bonding on a whole different level, we started sharing embarrassing experiences and eventually we got to your private facebook account, I'll admit I kinda thought of you as psychotic to an extent at first, but soon realized it was because you were hurting. Eventually the night went on, from 10pm to 3am in the morning, the time well spent, considering i was making you laugh your pain away and because you came to realize that I was the type of person that genuinely cared about the pain you were going through.

The aftermath of that night would involve me becoming your emotional pillar of support, and or friend you'd talk to when you were bored, and soon enough you became the very things I mentioned for me as well. We would spend nights texting and talking about life, school and basically anything that annoyed us during the day, and eventually sit and have lunch together, conversing daily for the heck of it, yes our friendship blossomed. Eventually, hugs, casual touches, hand holding and playful behavior would be welcomed. and it wasn't till mid July that something happened that started getting me thinking of you as something more.

It was a silly premature poly admissions exercise, that probably sparked my emotions for you later on. It was a tough time for me, as I sent in my application the day before the deadline and encouraged you to do the same too, though you didn't as you haven't found what you wanted to do with your life yet. But during the days where the applicants, or me more specifically waited to be called, it was a grueling period, and eventually my best friend got called in for an interview, and me not having received a call yet, it was immature of me but yes I was jealous and resentful, and that caused tension between me and her, and you were there to be my little pillar or outlet that I'd vent on. and I'd become the same for you.

Friendship and Skinship

Eventually, you were well received and welcomed into my little group of friends, and obviously you were invited to any social gatherings we might've planned, and on one occasion, both of us were to meet first, but not by a few minutes, by a few hours. We probably spent around 6hours together before actually meeting up with the rest and going for a movie. Those 6hours were yet succinct enough for us to get even closer together. Maybe it was the location we spent it at, Orchard Road, more specifically ION, a place we would come to many more times, just the two of us. The 6hours spent there was well, spent on a quick lunch at burger king where we'd converse, and I'd show my concern in the obstacles you were facing, in a friendly manner ofcourse, which involved me questioning your intellect and judgements and you laughing it off, because you knew i genuinely wished u well. The remainder of the time would be spent where you'd see me in a different light, as we window shopped I guess it became more and more obvious what kind of person I was, a kind,naive and more importantly a spoiled kid who enjoyed life being surrounded by material goods. I guess you enjoyed being around me, considering we grew up in very different environments. I practically remember that day very clearly actually, because it was the day we shopped like nut jobs, or me more specifically, I spent around $300 on cloths, and that probably inspired you to do some spending on your own, though with what money you had in your wallet, though it was a fun experience and definitely brought us much closer. I partially blame that trip and the ones that it would eventually lead to, for my emotions. Eventually a trip to anywhere in particular consisting of just you and me became a common occurrence. Flash by the many trips to ION, where we'd shop, walk around and basically ate yogurt under an escalator and I noticed that I was starting to fall for you, and up to that point I had only experienced what a crush was like. It wasn't till long after that I came to accept that I had emotions for you, yes after all that time spent together, the skinship, the pain and everything. Though I kinda guessed everyone around me was noticing it, you were probably ignorant to it, or I don't know. Our friendship would lose its splendor, there would be no more intimacy between us later on. Just a genuine concern for one another, or so I thought.

My feelings for you became ever more obvious albeit without me noticing, starting from August that year, practically because it was your birthday month and because you were hung up over someone new. I've always questioned your taste in women, slightly because I was partially jealous, and majorly because you hardly knew any of them. You just thought "OH SHINY I LIKE". and as I watched her break your fragile heart, and while I watched you being sluggish and depressed during your special day, I came to a conclusion, that I'd make you smile, because it was your birthday and because underneath it all, the feelings were getting stronger. I ran out of school immediately as it ended to a nearby bakery where I'd purchase a cake for you, then proceeding to spam call everyone who was around school, and gather everyone to a classroom, where we surprised you with a cake and a birthday song, I guess that probably restored some happiness within you, though that bitch was still in your head, it soothed the pain, or so I thought, it be months later that you'd be over her though.

A Climactic November Break Down

My feelings for you hit an all high climax during November, during prom night month. I don't know how to explain it, but over the past few months of that year, I became rather dependent and possessive over you. ( I can't be blamed actually, it was my first time experiencing whatever it was that was happening within me) and when you started working, I was hardly able to see or talk to you, I started getting worried, getting annoyed and more importantly getting unsettled. Eventually I would come to miss you so much, that I left my home at 6am, caught the first train and surprised you in the morning with a phone call saying that I was near your home, and lost. Skeptical at first, you found that to be insanely true, and I was actually trying to find my way to your home. And at your pathetic attempt to give directions, I got lost, only to be found by you later. We shared a hug, and I was practically ready to leave for home, because I finally saw you, and you were doing alright. But you didn't let me go, you made me accompany you on your journey to work, it was sweet I guess, we sat together on the bus and you slept on my shoulder. It wasn't till we reached the mrt station that we'd meet up with our nemesis, and share breakfast with him, oh and I couldn't believe I actually followed you to a high human congested area in practically sleeping attire, I looked like a freak from the waist down. But I'll admit I enjoyed seeing you, having breakfast with you, and that bus ride. It wasn't long before we parted and you went off to work. Though I'd later come around at night the following days and took the same train with you home, just to send you off. I'll admit it was kinda weird for me to be doing so, but I just wanted to see you more, even if it meant me sending you all the way home, ( we lived halfway across the island) . That routine would continue for the remainder of your work days. Reminiscing properly now, we actually had a major outing that month before that oh so climactic prom night, it was 11/11/2011, a once in a lifetime date, we spent it together at universal studios with the usual gang, I think the pictures of us holding hands at one of the rides are still on facebook actually, it was a good day, to think I actually wanted to share a kiss/hug with you at 11:11am on 11/11/11, naive me, and yes I feel ashamed that I even proposed such a weird thing to you. It was the evening where we were all going home, that our nemesis ditched you, while you had stuff in his home that you desperately needed (because u stupidly slept over his place, moron) and at that point, I took a taxi with you back and forth, to his place, and to your place, I actually wanted some cuddling or something to happen in the taxi, but with my luck, we got a homophobic pedophile perverted driver to drive us, and at the point where we reached your home we couldn't take it anymore and I alighted with you. and you would wait for me as I tried to find a cab to bring myself home and texted me throughout my long journey home. I practically spent $40 on cab fees that night, but it was worth it to see you contented. If I remember correctly, this was before you started work. Anyway things hit a climax on prom night, where after a long time of not being able to see you, I thought this magical night would be one where we'd spend together, but no I hardly even got to talk to you that night, I don't know why, but something within me snapped, I broke down, and eventually missed the after party at a friend's mansion. I started screaming everything that was bothering me on twitter, making it painfully obvious that you were the reason, and because of that nobody actually cared. I practically started crying when I was home, and thank god my parents weren't home at that time. Eventually my best friend called, and I would come out to her that night about my feelings for you, and how everything came spiraling down for me, which would end up with us not talking for months, ( we've since reconciled now ) . and from that night onward, I still remember clearly the details to be honest, I told myself, that you would see me as nothing more than a friend, and that I should do the same.

Restoring the Status-Quo

It wasn't till a few days or was it a week later, that things became back to normal, we went out as usual, just the two of us, either to do errands or shop or just visit cultural destinations in this small island. I remember one particularly significant outing that I enjoyed so much, though we couldn't be together, I relished the time we spent together. I forgot which time frame it was, But I recall what we did. We visited some strange cultural spot, (Har Pa Villa) it was practically this budhist or taoist tourist spot. It was kinda creepy to be honest. The visit ended fast and we proceeded to a shopping mall, where we contemplated watching a movie. and thank god we didn't. We ventured to the esplanade, a museum or sorts, where we enjoyed a play, some music and the art, and eventually ventured to marina bay sands on the context of meeting a friend of mine, the walk there was excruciatingly long, but it was worth the destination, it was beautiful, both the mall and the scenery there though we felt like sweaty peasants. and on the way home we walked by an amazing scene of the river smothered in night lights. A long but pleasant day.

Eventually my feelings for you would die out, with me reassuring myself constantly that we would never be more than just really good friends. and because of that, things became normal. I'll admit I miss the intimacy we shared. Things would go on to be normal for the months to come, oh and yes during christmas and new years, you would be on vacation, albeit me slightly missing you.

Branching Out

Things would continue to be normal for the months to come, That is till Polytechnic started for both of us. As I went on to socialize and make new friends, I kinda forgot about you, and I'm pretty sure you resented me for that, I didn't treat you right as well when you came to me during lunch because you haven't made any new friends yet. Yet we continued to maintain our friendship to the best we could. Texts in classes that we couldn't be bothered to pay attention in, etc. Eventually leading up to the day I question myself what exactly happened.

How Did You Just Stand There Doing Nothing?

You wanted to watch a movie with the regular gang from secondary school, but you never planned it well or out, so is it my fault that I went on to watch it with my poly mates first?. You practically showered me with rage and resent, which eventually lead to our fall out. I mean it was just a movie, and I was willing to make it up to you, I would watch it again with the usual gang and you. Yet you took the ticket meant for me, and refunded it, and worse off, you didn't even tell me, my friends had to call me to tell me not to leave school and go over, because you already pawned off the ticket. Yes I was angered to say the least, but it hurt so much more, because it was like a movie outing was more important than the 2years we spent coming to know one another, I mean I know you, you're naive, insecure, a dick head, but you're not someone who would hurt me willingly and not feel remorseful at the end. But this time you were, at that point I severed all ties with you. Be it facebook, twitter, i practically deleted your phone number, bailed out of outings that involved you. Eventually the secondary school gang would end up exiling you from outings and all, because lets face it, I wasn't in the wrong. But that doesn't change the fact that I still miss you. and at the same time resent you for being able to throw 2years of friendship away like it meant nothing to you, because for me it meant so much more. and for the next few months (it was during may we fell out) things would go on normally, but I'd still remember you occasionally, and I'd miss you, though telling myself that if you didn't value me as a friend, I shouldn't as well.

A month ago, you came up to a friend and told him to tell me that if I was willing we could start over and act like nothing happened, it was insulting, because you didn't even muster the courage to tell me that yourself personally, I mean a call or text would suffice. I would've agreed to. All you had to do was tell me personally, but no, you couldn't let go of your pride for just one moment and tell me that you were wrong, and that you wanted me back as your friend, because every now and then I really do miss you. Why can't you feel the same way? How could you just let go of our friendship just like that? How can you act like it meant nothing and move on? You were a major part of my life, and its like you're honestly telling me that I was just a pitstop on your journey. I know its not easy apologizing, but ain't I your valuable friend? your "sushi" . I'm in pain, and I'm hurting because now I've started to think about how close we were and how you just saw me cutting ties and not doing anything about it. Is pride that important to you? Can't you just find this blog, read everything and just come to my doorstep one day, say sorry and hug me. If only things played out like a cliche movie.

I miss you. and I hope you're missing me too. and that you'll eventually come to think of me one day, apologize to me genuinely and make an effort for us to be friends again. I really hope you do. and after writing everything that happened between us, I still can't understand how you just moved on. Because I can't and probably never will. There'll always be a part of me resenting you, and missing you because.... you meant so much to me.

Perhaps I really should start dividing and writing out lists like that. Memory lane and all that shit, you know?

I feel better now, loads better due to the fact that I have this ability to tell my emotions to fuck off if I really tried. Not like I said it to his face, but I probably repeated it mentally to myself too many times until the hurt I felt just disappeared.

I'm no longer hurt. No, I treat it like a lesson, an experience - fuck it all, he probably bragged about it to his closest friends, that he kissed the girl from February Arts who got the highest grades and who swore like a sailor despite how quiet she looked.

Ps: No, Kenji, lip piercings do not get in the way...somehow. It's a fucking miracle. I have no fucking idea how the fuck lip piercings work. Fuck. Anyway...

Well, fine. I would admit it, I lost to whatever game he was playing on that night.

It doesn't matter.

I can brag about it too.

It's nothing to be proud of, and I know it. It's nothing I should tell the world about, and I know it. But it's an experience that taught me something. And I'll use it to my advantage in the future, if I ever need to. Because this is life, isn't it? It's about experiences. The painful ones the happy ones the ones that make you so angry you wished you could throw a brick in someone's face and call an ambulance for the brick. That sort of thing.

This Aussie guy? Well, now he's having a change of heart. As opposed to how he was avoiding me previously, he now keeps finding excuses to be around me. He probably still can't decide whether to take me or leave me. He keeps bugging me, hanging around me...oh my god, and this town is so friggin' small. I can be randomly walking around town and bump into him, shopping for motherfucking avocados.

Not that I want to bring any avocados into this, of course, but seriously, what the fuck?

Maybe he genuinely likes me, but is just being a dick in showing his feelings.

Well, if he does like me, he certainly took the wrong step in the first place by avoiding me for so long. And now that I've completely shut my heart out away from him, it doesn't hurt as much. I'm watching, waiting, anticipating what he does. It's interesting, and amusing.

And this is where I start being a cold-hearted, icy bitch.

Because I want to and because I can.

...

I'm returning home in two weeks time. At this point, although I am unwilling, I feel calm. Perhaps it won't be as bad as I think.

How is everyone?

Just three teens lookin' at the future.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

30th October 2012

Saturday, 27 October 2012

27th October 2012

Friday, 26 October 2012

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Sunday, 21 October 2012

21st October 2012

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Monday, 8 October 2012

8th October 2012

Saturday, 6 October 2012

6th October 2012