Hey guys,
It's been practically a year since we've even used this blog, but hey i guess we've all had to move on with our different paths.
speaking of which, how's uni been for you guys? i'll be graduating from poly in about 2 months actually, then heading for the army in july or june, how fast time flies eh?
i've always detested the whole conscription thing... in fact i'll have to report to an army camp this coming thursday for a vocational assessment, i've done some googling and it's well... a list of physical tests, psychological tests and interviews that'll last for idk 11hours? and funny fact, i have an exam the next day. I honestly think the Singaporean army does this on purpose, so i'll flunk my exams and have nothing but an awaiting army career.
anyway that shitty stuff aside,
It's been a year since the last post, i'm still together with Justin, isn't that funny? hahahaha, i didn't think we'd last that long to be honest (you can track back to the older posts) i was so insecure about everything and anything, but we've made it really far.
To date we've been together for about 1 year 7 months, that's really long hasn't it?. I remember having a crisis a few months ago, because i thought that my feelings were fading and i felt the need to mingle around with newer people. (really wish i had you guys to talk to about this though)
It occurred to me that I'll be 20 in about 5 weeks, my youth was well, ageing away. I don't know what i was thinking, well i just personally felt that i squandered my youth away, detesting what most youths do nowadays, which would be alcohol intoxication and basically screwing around with multiple people, you can say it was sort of a late teen crisis. But then again it'd mean i'd be sacrificing a long stable loving relationship for a little bit of stupid freedom, and god knows if i'll ever find someone who would love me unconditionally like he does. So i just brushed it aside.
To add on, i may say i wanted to indulge in that shitty toxic lifestyle, but i honestly don't see myself ever appreciating what that kind of scene ever has to offer, so in a way i know i made the right choice. Can anyone honestly imagine me a wallflower/introvert making my way to the dance floor and dancing like a slut? No.
Aside from that urge, our relationship has well, been kinda stagnant and stale.
so i was watching this video the other day, it was... well informative..... our relationship was well past the happy period and i felt we were threading along the tolerance stage. Like i said, things have been stale. It's gotten to the point where i think going out is a chore, there was no excitement, no romantic gestures and a general lack of intimacy, i felt like my text responses were being automated, like i had to offer a generic kiss emoticon just to tell myself "hey, no, you're still in love, act like it".
I guess it has to do with this long ongoing issue of his inability to express love, or at least put it into words. Through the course of our relationship, i came to an understanding that i needed someone who could butter me up with some words i could use to fuel my denial. But that's something he could never provide, i mean he'd try to find me, give me a hug or something, he'd give me the occasional gift (of clothing though, something which i never really did appreciate as much as i should) and slowly i found myself unable to find him for the solace and comfort i needed to sustain myself. It just got to a point where i'd bottle it in, cause i knew he wouldn't understand how i needed to be comforted.So that's where we kinda are now, for that aspect of the relationship.
I don't know how else to describe our relationship, intimacy wise, we've been kinda stale too... to be very very honest, i find intimacy to be such a chore, i mean some soft kisses, hugs, cuddling, i was alright and ok with that, i mean look forward to those small acts of love and adoration. but you know, sex was a part i never quite did look forward to. That sounds somewhat ironic, cause it's stereotypical to think that all guys think about is sex, especially for the one that's more of the "carer" for the relationship, i would imagine myself to be more domineering and have an extremely high sex drive, but no. It's come to a point where i actually dread sexual intimacy, i mean it wasn't just about him, (he thinks it's about his physique) i just felt like i needed a retreat from sex, for a bit. before we'd ever got together, i had it at such an infrequent rate, like perhaps once in every 4months? but in a committed relationship, it's like every chance we got to be alone, it'd lead to sex, i knew he wanted it, so i just complied, eventually it became a very boring chore for me. It's kinda sad don't you think? but how exactly do you tell your spouse, "hey, i need a break from sex, a very long break, is that ok with you?" especially to a guy. It just isn't simply done.
Apart from that, i've come to realise too, that we have so much differences in our interests and habits, it just goes to show that opposites attract eh? i'm more recluse, quiet, antisocial and distant. But with him i'm witty, smart, caring. I guess he makes me feel safe enough to be my real self (at some point i met a guy before dating, that actually said my real self was that of a himbo LOL) so was i really being myself around him? or did i just feel obliged to be that way, because i felt i had to care for him more. I mean we've clearly demonstrated our differences, he was lazy when it came to household chores, he couldn't cook, nor could he clean, i had to do it all for him. We shared completely different tastes for activities, i preferred staying at home with my computer, while he preferred to go out and explore the tiny island, i liked computer games, he liked music, music in which i had no appreciation for. He placed heavy emphasis on his dressing, while i just grabbed whatever i could from the closet. We were very different people, and to be frank, i felt that the act of taking care of him all the time, tiresome.
I guess i must've sound pretty bratty about now, i mean our relationship has had some good times, we've been good, it was nice waking up in the morning with someone telling me good morning, and knowing that i was the center of someone's universe. In a way i would've felt extremely guilty if i broken up with him, for me to just go about and have fun, it would've been dreadful and unlike me, cause all i've ever wanted was to me in a monogamous relationship. It would've devastated him too, which despite what i've been complaining about, i know some part of me doesn't want to hurt him too. I would also have to think of the major social consequences, i mean how would people view me, we had the same group of friends too.
Speaking of friends, i made him meet my secondary school ones too, and they absolutely loved him, so that'll be part of the stupid consequences. At this point i may have sounded like i stopped loving him, i had an interesting conversation with a friend a month ago, it may have been true, i mean i was thinking about meeting new people, but i know it wouldn't be right nor worth it to break up over that (we had cultivated such a long relationship, albeit the foundations of it were shaking for me) oh yeah, something to add on, gay relationships don't even last that long, in a Singaporean context, it could've lasted from merely a few days to a span of a few months at most, but we were different, i mean i felt like i had a mature enough outlook to know that i wasn't going to put up with someone if it'd only be for awhile, and he wasn't all that annoying like how the other people in their relationships were, he didn't expect me to be perfect (well he actually kinda did) but neither did i expect him to be perfect too.
All in all, i'm just kinda lost about it, i don't know what i should be doing actually, at this point it may seem like i'm keeping the relationship out of convenience because i was lazy to seek for a new one, rest assured i would've taken such a long break from dating if this one had ended. I just feel, bored with this arrangement, i've been dropping subtle hints for him to do something that will rekindle the spark i guess, but well, i would be stupid if i expected him to do something grand. The whole relationship just feels stale. and it wouldn't be nice if i ended it just because of that, i mean at some point would i have to express my feelings to him? i know he'd be hurt as hell if i did, it wouldn't be fair.
In summary, i know i was making him happy, but was he making me happy too?.
Oh yeah, i left out something crucial. over the past year my parents have gotten so screwed up financially. it's gotten to a point where we can no longer stay in our current household, i'll be moving out in about a month or so. and we won't be living together to say the least. my parents are moving in with my sister, who at this point has 2 monster children aged 1 and 2. yeah i know.
My sister, who used to play no part at all in my life, helped my dad a couple of months ago, where we lost the car, so my mother feels a great deal of obligation to express her gratitude towards that stupid bitch. She's had my mom work like a slave, taking care of the 2 monster children, i mean i expect it at first, because it's my mom's first time being a grandmother, i mean she'd obviously shower the kids with love, toys and affection. But then my sister, being such a smart bitch, started taking advantage of it, having my mom go 3/4 times a week to her house, which was like halfway across the island, it took maybe an hour drive to reach there. Sometimes my mom would even spend the night there, sleeping on a couch or the ground, it's gotten to the point where she'd become so excruciatingly tired, she's beginning to forget things and look like she's been experiencing so much fatigue, it's made me so angry. Oh yeah, that part where she's been forgetting things, i do hope it's just the exhaustion from helping my bitch sister and not the fact that it may be early symptoms of alzheimer's (i would wreck me to know that she was developing it).
Well furthermore, my sister being a craft bitch, asked my mother to bring the maid along too, it started off subtle actually maybe spend a day or so there, doing housework (which i don't get, she has her own maid too) but then it went on to my maid spending nights there, while my house began to filth up. Now my maid's been there for around a week, (i should get that bitch sister to pay her salary) seeing as how she's not even taking care of my household anymore, my mom justifies this because my sister has helped us "a lot" apparently. which continues to piss me off even more. What i don't get about the whole situation was why that damm bitch couldn't wait a month more to get my mom, and the maid. I mean she even dumped her dog on my household to look after for a week, which meant i had to clean dog poo, and wipe up the dog pee, do the dishes clean my own room, etc. It's as if i don't have hired help at all, just cause my mother feels obliged to help that selfish bitch, god who even needs 2 maids for 2 kids? that's like one per kid, then what does she as a mother even do? If you're going to use your own kids as leverage for perks then you're obviously not ready to be a mother aren't you?.
That rant aside, i'll be moving on to the main portion as to why this is related, my parents will be moving in with my sister, that'll mean a household of at least 9 people, i don't think i can stand that kind of situation without bursting into flames, because i'd eventually shout at her stupid children, or my niece to be more specific. So i told my parents, why not i move out alone, in a rented room somewhere, cause let's face it, i adore my privacy, i need my space, i need to retain whatever bubble i could place myself in. I'm also sure my sister and mother would be happier without having an angsty kid ruining their oh so wonderful motherly bonding experience.
So eventually, one day my parents brought me out to see rooms to rent, when we finally got to the last house, it had hit me, like a sledgehammer smashing the bell of those carnival rides, it hadn't even been 2months before we had to move out, but my parents were already planning to kick me into the reality of solitude, sounds exactly like what i wanted, but no. I would be living with total strangers, alone, in an unfamiliar neighbourhood, and they were more than willing to let me do so, i mean i knew i was already quite matured in the head and as composed as i seemed to them, i was innately terrified of the whole situation. By the end of the day, where my parents were getting ready for me to actually sign a contract to rent, i broke down, i just left them there at the location and just went out on my own, i ignored their calls and basically broke down to justin via the phone (he still couldn't muster the words i needed to hear while i was in tears). Coming to realise that the phone call eventually had no use, i just went out with my friends from secondary school (coincidentally they had an outing that day) it was comforting to say the least, it helped get my mind off the things going on in my head.
Oh, and as to why my parents wouldn't want to rent a cheaper estate to live in? My mother for god knows what reason, decided it would be in all of our best interests to lease a car, that's right. She leased a car for a year, having to pay roughly $1,700 sgd a month. The whole point of us moving out from the condo was so that we could save money to buy real property ($300,000 or so) well, our condo was roughly $3,500 a month, and me renting a room outside would be $700+, so how was that saving money in the end?. As much as i try to be the perfect child and respect my parents (i don't even drink, smoke or do anything illegal except have sex with my boyfriend which was technically an arguable human rights law) i just lost it. I had to scold them for what they were doing, in what way was a car more useful than all of us living under one roof? She obviously wanted to live with my sister and her rotten grandchildren. So after a night out, i just had to accept the harsh reality that i was in a way going to be abandoned in the course of 2 months, and would be living on my own.
That's where the funny part starts, i'll be living with Justin, once he gets his new house, we'll be living in the same room, under the same roof. Yeah, sounds like a perfect arrangement, living with my boyfriend and all, but then it'd occur to me, i'd have to take care of him under his own roof, i know him, i know how he'll act. I'll have no privacy whatsoever, what if i decided to play some computer games with some gay guy? he'd know, what if someone talks to me? he'd know, and he'll give me a hell of a time, because he thinks i'm perfect, that i can stand being in a relationship where it forever feels like i'm fine with giving constantly. I'll never have my own private space ever again, but then again it'd be better than staying in some stranger's house alone?... that's the funny part, it's actually quite debatable. Stay with the boyfriend and slowly start to resent my relationship, or have my privacy and end up feeling abandoned by everything, by everyone. It's not as if i can talk to anyone about these issues, cause it makes me sound like a jackass, i mean how many people wouldn't jump at the chance of living together with their 1 year 7 month relationship spouse? But think about the implications for a second, what if we argued? how are we supposed to sleep at night after that? What if i screwed up? what if we decide to break up? Was i going to be staying under the same roof if we weren't a couple any more?...
So, in all honesty, i was thinking of getting a room on my own, just to avoid having to resent my relationship, but it'll also be extremely tough, having to procure food on my own, unable to cook, blah blah.
Oh yeah, i need to add one more thing to the mix, we'll be going to japan in March, the week right after my birthday, then right afterwards when we're back, i'll have to move in with him, so time is actually running out, and i don't know what to do. I just feel kind of lost about everything, unsure about my relationship and my feelings, it wouldn't be right to go japan together and have it end with us not being together right?.... I just feel that a spark's been missing the whole time, for a really long time now actually.
I also attribute this feeling to a book series i've been reading recently, and a movie i watched based on the books, it's called, well... Geography Club.
in a way, it reminded me of you guys actually, the whole central plot revolved around a gay support group in the school. What's been bothering me about the book is that, the 2 main characters didn't get together in the end of the first 3 books and in the movie. It's been leaving me with this terrible need for closure. That's what i thought at first, that it's probably the book and my desire to see happy endings that was making me feel so disappointed, but then again how many stupid teen angst plots can have such an adverse effect on my psych....
Perhaps i needed to see a psychiatrist, but maybe... i don't know... i was kind off influenced by the book, where it was sweet, where even if the love interest was such a jerk and a dick head, he still offered some form of solace to the main character, the love seemed so genuine. I knew i never had that with Justin. I wanted a pillar of support that was never going to be built. It just made me feel alone. It also showed the main character leaving his love interest behind because well, he refused to express his love for the main character, due to fear of losing his social popularity. Different contexts, i know, but in a way it was something i could relate to. Perhaps leaving him and finding someone who could better understand me and my needs was something i had to do? That maybe the closure i was seeking was related more to my relationship than that of the book's shitty ending... or perhaps i was just reading into the whole thing too much.
I just want to find a reason for the whole angsty, melodramatic feeling i've been experiencing, i want it to stop. I want my boyfriend to know me inside out, like i know him. i don't know... i just want things to remain the status quo. I'm most definitely not ready for the major changes up ahead, nor am i fully contented with my relationship, it's just so frustrating not being able to share all of what i'm feeling to him.
and if you've made it this far, i applaud you for reading my over dramatic rant. it felt good actually, i think halfway through, i switched to a more narrative point of view LOL, i guess this could be in a way practice, for if i do decide to writing an actual novel.
Anyway, miss you guys, hope we can all talk about what's been going on with our lives soon. It'd be nice.
