i'm officially 1month or so enlisted into the army.
i can't say it's been a valuable experience, but it has indeed opened my eyes a lot. civilian life was such a privilege that i took for granted, something which i'll never do again.
it also showed me how much i took my relationship for granted, and for that i am so undeserving of having the heart of such a wonderful boy in my arms.
but that boy, has shown me that in his own right, he could just leave me at any time. He's grown so much in 4months, and he's no longer that same boy who'd drop everything in a heartbeat to be with me. It actually kind of feels like he's been taking me for granted now that i've become so vulnerable and weak.
Karma seems to be the only word that pops into my head.
He's also shown me that he's fully capable of flirting with other men, and no matter what reasons he gave, it still all hurt the same.
Yet again karma.
He's also clearly shown me that i no longer hold the number 1 priority for him. He has a life too i guess, a life i am a part of (for at least till my house is built).
Our nightly conversations have become something like a routine, I can't say i'm not disappointed by that, in fact i am so terribly affected by that lol, he treats our time on the phone or our texting conversations like it's a mandatory routine. Makes me feel as if i'm a burden to his new found life and friends.
It's also evident that our time together, well, our recent time together, to be brutally honest, have been nothing but him baby sitting an emotionally wrecked version of me, and i know for a fact that, that's exactly how he feels as well.
Our relationship has somehow become a routine obligation.
In all honesty, he's not to be blamed. I've become such a shadow of my former self. 2015 has been a shit year to be honest. The only highlight was my trip to japan with him. Everything came crashing to hell after that.
But i won't dabble on about how my parents lost so much (including the house), how i've felt neglected by them, until recently, or how i feel neglected by him right as i type this. I've been feeling very neglected actually. 2015 has been a shit year, and i've watched my smile fade during the first half of it, and now i've watched it fade completely off my darkened sulky face.
Perhaps it was due to me having to spend 3 weeks (19days actually) in that hell of a hole island, my first 6days completely alone. That only increased my reliance on him by 10fold. At that time he was already on the verge of not needing me, which only worsened when he proved to himself he could take 6days out in a field of shit alone and without me.
He proved to himself that he could be independent without having me for support.
Where as my dependence on him grew, his generally shrank into nothing. That was how a last few glimmering instances of my smile slowly started to fade.
On my first bookout, having been so overly reliant on him at that point, i expected a fairy tale kind of scenario, (you know us pisces, we dream and dream and imagine the most perfect kind of situations only to get disappointed). Which was exactly what happened, i cooked up a dream sequence, a perfect welcome home, it didn't necessarily have to be perfect, i just expected him to show more importance to the fact that i was going to see him after a gruelling 19days of hell.
But no, he wasn't around, in fact he went out the moment i took my first steps back into singapore. To top if off, he came home around 11pm. So what's a emotionally drained and dependant boy to do when his last support pillar disappears, for an entirely legit reason (going out with his long lost bestfriend who would dump him in a heartbeat if her boyfriend was around), he goes into a spirally pit of despair, wallowing in self pity, crying to himself because he knows, that deep down, he's no longer as important to the boy his heart is yearning for.
Dramatic sentences aside, i ran out of the house, bought some beers, listened to some depressing music and cried my lonesome heartbroken self into a slump, oh yeah i turned off my phone too for an even more dramatic effect, because that's how we pisces are, we're so fucking dramatic, we crave for that perfect scene.
In all honesty, i should've ran to some place further than just a walking distance from his home, i was terribly easy to find. He found me and i broke down in tears, at some point he found me being such a sap to be too fucking annoying he cried too, just to shut my stupid face up, saying that he made a mistake of going out with his friend on my first time back into singapore.
To be terribly frank, yes he made a mistake, a big mistake for thinking i wouldn't be the least bit affected, he took for granted the fact that we stayed together and just brushed off how i'd felt.
It was at that moment i realised, how army changed that sweet sensitive boy into someone else, someone who couldn't read my emotions as well anymore.
Nevertheless, i gave in, (or he gave in to the bullshit i was doing), looking back, how fucking pathetic was I to be reduced into such a state of grieving + alcohol, my god I was so fucking useless, it's no wonder he's getting tired of me. It's no fucking wonder he looks at me like i'm some wounded puppy.
Anywho, the next day (saturday) to add more salt onto my recently slashed opened torso, he had a barbecue to attend, a wonderful gathering full of stupid straight men, to shower themselves in masculinity and smug, that he 100% had to go, because he felt some obligation towards that group of idiots. I honestly don't understand what was going on in his mind, (according to him, he doesn't even like them that much, oh and he was constantly whining about not fitting in to me at the start of his army days) I guess a hell of a field camp must've went down for him to feel so much gratitude.
His few words of comfort were "i'll be home later, to be with you". No shit. we stayed together, it was apparent that he wasn't understanding how i felt at all. In fact i could get it, some army fuckers saved you, your sergeant was so helpful so encouraging, what was i? where was i? oh yeah stuck in hell too, for about 19days actually, all i wanted was a day with you, a fucking day where you belonged to me like you promised me on 07/21/13, where you promised your heart to my fucking pathetic self. 2 years together and army guys outweigh my importance.
lol.
That was all i could say. It was hard accepting that fact, the most obvious fact was that i was no longer the personality island that took importance to him, other islands were forming, overshadowing mine, outshining mine, and leaving mine tumbling towards a trail of desperation.
I became desperate for his company, god on my fucking day of rest, i went all the way like some delivery bitch, to pass him his letter to collect his watch, how fucking pathetic is that? Just to get a glimpse of him, just to spend some more time with him, i did that, yes i do love him, but i don't usually bother leaving the house after dark. All because i got desperate, all because i became needy, useless, pathetic, dependant.
I guess he could see it too, how i was changing from a usually level headed person, into a sap, a wimp, a pathetic depressed shadow of my past self.
I found myself become so needy for him, looking forward to his replies, (which were never really instant anymore), replying him the moment i got a text, and looking out for him every chance i got while in that shitty island's canteen. I became such, such, a clingy prick. I turned into a starving dog for his attention, something which wasn't completed devoted to me anymore.
That was the beginning of my spiral towards losing my smile, i became a clingy, attention driven, needy, dog. That was what i became, a dog. Offering to undo his shoes, offering to do his shoes, offering to do his laundry, offering him everything i could just to please him, just to get his attention, just so that he'd be mine even for that few seconds.
It worked for awhile, it kept me from frowning, it just kept my face monotonous.
And then came the day, no, the night i found out he was "cheating" on me. I can't say i was a perfect boy, or that i never made any mistake at all, but he was the poster child for loyalty, i knew, i knew for a solid fact that he loved me with all his heart, there wasn't once where i had to ever question if he had me on his mind whenever he did anything or not.
I had to find out the hardway, that there was someone else on his mind, someone that could me him so excruciatingly jealous, he had to bitch about it to another gay guy. Oh, did i forget to mention that he has 4 of them in his fucking bunk? What are the chances of that even happening?.
According to him, they had this game between them where they'd flirt with some malay guy, how is flirting even acceptable, you know first hand how it felt when i did it, you know the pain, so why did you do it? why? why did you have to make me question if you still have me on your mind at all, or was it replaced with someone along the way.
why?.
The funny thing was, a month ago before i enlisted, i already found you flirting with that fucker. But i brushed it off, because i wasn't such a needy, useless, stupid piece of shit. But at that state, on the night i found out, it broke me even more to bits. I was shattered so hard, the word shattered doesn't even begin to cover the emotional pain, it's like my soul disintegrated into dust.
That was the moment i truly stopped smiling.
How, how is it alright for you to be wanting another guy's attention, how was it alright for you to bitch about your gay friend, to your other gay friend, about your wanting for that guy? How was i supposed to react? How was i supposed to stomach it?.
How am i not supposed to question if you still loved me? You, you who never cheated, you who placed so much emphasis on loyalty, you who knew first hand what it was like to feel betrayed.
Was i not in your mind? When you did all that flirtatious shit. How am i not going to repeat what i saw on your phone in my mind over and over and over again?.
Just how?
It hurt like hell. To think that you could just leave me at anytime, to know that i was forcing you into this, to know that i was forcing you to be with me. To know that i was irritating you.
To know that someone else could be in your heart.
That's why now, as i'm typing this. I won't be that boy anymore. I won't be that pathetic dog who'd rush to find you in the canteen, who'd rush to reply your texts (cause you never even do anymore). I won't be that pathetic, I won't offer my sincere help, because I know you don't need it.
I won't shut my heart out from you, but I know for a fact that I won't leave it as wide open as it was the past 3 weeks. I won't let myself be that vulnerable and needy again. I won't let you affect me in ways you never seemed to grasp.
I just simply won't.
I'll be ice cold, like how I am with the outside world, until you decide that you want to warm me up. I won't be waiting like a dog anymore. If you want me,
If you still want me, you'll have to show it.
You lied to me.
You said army wouldn't change you.
You lied.
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