Been a month since I've felt that empty isolation slowly eating me away.
I really really miss secondary school. Things were so much simpler then. I had genuine friends, ones I could bitch about to without fearing any repercussions, ones who actually relished my existence. I mean I love my poly mates. I genuinely do care for them. But I feel that if I left without saying goodbye they wouldn't be affected.
I long for the days in the earlier semester. They were so full of joy for me. I mean back then I could still tolerate you. I wanted to be there for you. Make you laugh. Heck make everyone laugh.
But now our friendship is in nothing but shambles. I hate you. Yet still care. Ironic and contradicting isn't it?.
I was happy with the way I looked and dressed before. Yet you made me feel so fucking disgusted n repulsive of myself. I went for about 3 sessions of agonising laser treatments already. Excruciatingly painful ones I might add, yet all you've said or done is pick on how red I am. It hurts. I know I'm ugly k, blessed with acne scars and constant inferiority.
Yet you keep commenting on yourself. Which I find so fucking annoying. You don't fucking know what low self esteem and having no confidence is, I look at pictures of myself n feel ugly. I don't even have the fucking self confidence to try n take photos. Because I know how sad and disgusted I'll feel later.
You complain of money issues, fuck money. I rather have a happy household to return to.
I just feel so disgusted so sad so tired of everything. So tired of feeling like shit about myself. So exhausted with feeling lonely. Yes we all hang out. But what's the point if I constantly feel like an outsider.
Hahaha I sound like such a brat now. Fuck life. Fuck me. Fuck myself for ever liking you. Fuck myself for caring too much. Fuck myself for not being more confident. Fuck myself for feeling inferior. Fuck myself for having nobody I can actually divulge all the things im saying in here.
I really feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I've been holding it for quite awhile.
Nobody likes to be ignored and alone. But why am I constantly chucked in here to stay. I only have this phone to confess everything to. Hahaha. Nobody understands how inferior I feel, how pathetic of an existence I think I hold. Am I that good of an actor? My charade masks so much pain. I wish I could quietly die. Nobody except my parents would miss me anyway. I'm such a wallflower I'd prolly be forgotten fast anyway. I doubt I hold a big candle in the lives of my acquaintances. Hahaha my existence is a joke.
Because of you. Because of my inferiority because of loneliness in school. I can't help but feel like reconciling with nicholas. Though I doubt our friendship would be the way it was. I need someone. Someone to be close to. Someone who'll make me feel like I should continue on living because my existence matters. Someone who'll make me say I'm not just waste of space and that I'm needed.
I just feel so sad and shitty and I'm just rambling on. Hahaha. I hate school. I hate feeling constantly on the outside. I hate feeling insignificant. I hate this. I hate everything.
I shouldn't have just let my friendship with nicholas end like that. I shouldn't have let my romance with Kenneth just end like that too. HAHAHAHAA fuck everything I've done. Fuck myself. Fuck life. Because now I have nothing, nothing that makes me feel like I have an existence worth living for.
sorry for being such a whiny bitch. i wrote this all on my phone. and as of now, things are still worsening. hahahaha.
