26th August 2012

Another month is coming to an end yet again, how are you two?.

I find myself having distorted thoughts and feelings as of now, i feel like things are repeating themselves yet again. come to think of it, its been a month or so since every single thing started unfolding, my mom falling, me starting to fall in love, getting my heart broken, etc.

and now almost a month later, i find myself still having feelings for him, though i know he will never feel the same way for me. About 2 days ago or so, the person he was seeing or well dating, told him he just wanted to be friends. something i've been wishing for and chanting to myself for the past weeks. What i've been hoping for came true nonetheless, though it made me question if i was a bad person or not. because i've been wishing for his source of happiness to shatter him too, because what i felt was horribly indescribably painful.

Anyway, i'll get to the point. I've been suppressing my feelings for awhile, and acting like i've been alright and smiling and all for the past 2 weeks or so was alright, it actually felt like things were going to be normal and fine again. and now, i find myself caring for him, wanting to know his whereabouts and what his current escapades are. I don't get it, he isn't mind and i find myself being possessive yet again. Its not that i want to be possessive like a freak. i just want to be with him, i want to call him mine. ahahaha, this must sound really selfish. cause when i'm with him, and we just have fun and talk about crap, it makes me feel so much comfort and happiness.

and to conclude, even after what seems to be a long time has past, i still like him. at least it confirms things that my feelings aren't a joke or a crush, but genuine, and this brings me back to my dilemma, am i going to have to go through all the pain and suffering again should he meet someone new? (im pretty sure he's on his way to finding someone new again) i don't want to have to go through everything again, feeling pain, feeling that i'm not good enough, feeling that stinging crap feeling in my chest every second of the day because i know i can't have him. i don't want to experience all those again.

anyways, sorry for the long draggy post.i just needed somewhere to rant. sucks to continue to love someone who will never feel the same way. ahahaha. fuck myself.