28th June 2013

watching nicholas sparks' movies........

i realize how non existent my love life is.

actually maybe not. we've had yet another amazing night. with just nothing but talking, -coughs- . an order of pastamania, and again more coughing, to just watching a movie and then sleep.

are we like friends with benefits?. it kinda sounds like we are. or maybe in an open relationship. i mean we act like couples, do couple things, yet you still go around eye gagging at other people, talk about other guys.. so on.

it kinda feels that way. yet i'm still too stupid to do anything about it. at the way this is playing out, you're gonna end up falling for someone, getting together with them, while i'm well... alone. or perhaps you've already fallen for me?. HAHAHA nope.

Currently, a couple of things are playing in my head. like how maybe i'll meet someone for a change, someone who'll actually make me feel like i'm the most important thing in their lives. the one who matters the most amongst all, and as cliche as it sounds, someone who'll make me feel secure about everything.

and as melodramatic as it sounds, i want it to end up like one of those love dramas, maybe because of my beyond high expectations on love thanks to all the crap i watch. (one tree hill) . like i'll meet someone for A DRAMATIC change, and then he'll wonder where all my little gestures of affection such as the subtle touches, the gazes and basically my affection, have gone. then he'll realize we're not as close anymore, that maybe i've met someone, that maybe i've moved on. and it'll all come down to a breaking point one night where he'll ask where have i gone? to stop pushing him away, and i can finally say.

" i'm not pushing you away, i'm holding on for dear life, but i need you to need me too"

and where he'll finally say, while holding my hands and looking me in the eye with all those vent up frustrating emotions within his black orbs,

" need you? i've been dying without you, bit by bit, everyday because you weren't there anymore" 

"its you, its been you for a long time, i just didn't want to admit it to myself, i miss you soft touches, i miss your sarcasm laced compliments, your stinging insults, your love...."

and i can say,

" need me? why didn't you react or heck even show any sign that you needed me there with you? i was waiting.. waiting.. but you never seemed to care. love me? why wont you ever show it, why won't you ever just let me all the way in? " 

and then without me saying, he'll just pull me into an embrace, and then it'll rain, because that's what just happens, when people hug after a long emotional struggle, it rains. yes. it'll ruin my iphone, but yes it'll rain. and then we'll kiss. HAHAHAHA. fantasies aside, yes that's how i want it to play out. but, it will never. ever. ever. happen. 

at the rate things are going, it'll the status quo will just be stagnant until he meets someone, where upon i'll just be happy for him. be there when he needs it, and yup that's about it.

and before you say, why am i not the one doing all the crap i'm imagining him doing. basically because, i've done it before. almost exactly a year ago, i've done it before. i've told him how much i loved him, heck i wrote a long long story for him, about how my emotions came to be, about all the little things i know about him, about how i know him inside and out. all of which reduced him to tears. yet it still ended with my having my heart stepped on, my friendship with him ruined and me living with 4 months of agony, pain and months of solitude.

why do i seem so much more flamboyant when i wrote this. lol. wtf.

and it all honesty, i do not want to meet anyone. i want him. i want him to want me too. as much as i do, which is practically not a lot, because i'm still afraid of letting myself fall all the way for him. lol.

k nvm scratch that. i want him to make the first move on me. i want him to be the one that wants me instead. lol. stupid bimbo la me.

talking like some spoiled bitch.

9.40pm

in contrast to this exact time last year,

its almost the same. things are unraveling in practically parallel ways.

i don’t want to look forward to 4 months of hurting and solitude again.

i can’t. i won’t.

its going to be the same. AGAIN. but i’m gonna try my best to handle it with albeit, a little grace this time.

i don’t want you to go clubbing tmr, i’d rather you stay in my arms again. i’d rather we stayed up all night. yet i can’t convey that message without sounding clingy and weird. yep. 

you’re gonna go clubbing tomorrow. you’re gonna meet someone. and its gonna be a total repeat of last year. i don’t wanna have a climactic breakdown on 1st of August again. no.

i better start mentally preparing myself because if you do meet someone tomorrow, if you indeed do. i have to be the good friend i’m obligated to be and the one you expect me to be.

from the looks of it, its gonna end again with you dating someone. me finally accepting that i love you, releasing all that pent up suppressed feelings, you crying to my confession. 

me asking. 

" so everything meant nothing? nothing at all? the hand holding, the soft embraces, the hugs, the kisses, the sex. you just used me for the sake of getting over someone, used me so you wouldn’t feel alone, used me to make yourself feel better? "

and you replying. 

“yes"

and with the burning fact in my head that you have never felt anything for me at all.

i can finally work on moving on again, and you being happy with that someone, won’t care. as i be happy for you from afar yet again.

yup yup. REPEAT of the second half of my 2012.

i hate that i blatantly formed a phobia of this happening everytime you tell me you wanna go club.

i hate it. i really do. yet its not like i can convey all this to you. its fucking sad really.

i don't want it to repeat again. i don't. but there's nothing i can do about it can i? honestly nothing.