and when you're alone, you tend to think a lot. think about everything in particular. life, love, friends. the future.
self sufficiency. that's how my peers/friends/family view me. self sufficient. yeah in a way i am kinda self sufficient i guess. i make do with what i have, adapt. and hardly confide any emotional turmoil to anyone. well except here to you guys. I wouldn't say self sufficiency is a bad thing really, its kinda amazing to be independent, to have no need of anyone support except yourself, that's what harsh reality teaches us right? but no. i'm not as self reliant as people deem me to be. i'm not. i really am not.
on nights like this, no on days like this, where i spend hours derping around the internet reading wikipedia articles, and playing games myself. these are the times i dread the most. i crave human interaction. i crave friends to play with, but i don't want to pose as a burden to them, so i keep quiet. just do my thing, be alone. its not fun really. i want someone to talk to as i game, i want some company. someone to laugh with as i kill a bitch in game, someone to just bullshit with. but no.
i don't know what i'm whining about honestly. i mean make little to no effort to talking to people, its usually them who come to talk to me first, be it a chat or what. they'll have to plan the outings, be the one to invite me. perhaps its my inexplicable laziness to blame, or the fact that i do not bother. its kinda ironic isn't it, i say i want companionship, but i hardly do anything about it. i want a friend. a close friend i can just be myself with, according to people, its superficial and bimbotic.
i found myself to have grown a lot these past 3 months. perhaps with a bit of confidence as well. but that's not the main point. ( i'm listening to a sad song now, so perhaps them juices will get flowing and i can finally write about the past 3months.)
Meeting him
i was talking about a close friend, a companion i could be myself with. i think i found that, him, during march. it was a rather pathetic attempt of mine to make more friends, particularly hang out with a group of gay people from this forum, they organize outings and such. So, i mean having more gay friends wouldn't be so bad right? i mean i am one. a well concealed one, but never the less one. don't get me wrong, i love my secondary school straight friends, i do, but a bit of variance where i can just drop some masks and say " oh wow what a hunk " from time to time wouldn't be so bad.
anyway back to the point, i met him at the second outing the group organized, ( the first was tragic for me ) but still i met someone that night that convinced me to keep go for this one. it was a rather bad outing for me, cause it was at the beach, and i was well a wallflower and socially retarded. it was just me sitting down feeling stupid on the floor under a shelter. ( it was raining ) whipping out my phone and doing god knows what, scrolling facebook? and then he came and sat next to me, and from then on we had a good conversation. just the two of us. i don't know how to describe it, we just instantly clicked. maybe that's cause i didn't find him like super hot or what, i just wanted to make a friend you know?. and we talked on for a good 2hours, talking about anything and everything. we'd later go out to dinner with a part of the group, and i dont know, i never expected much.
after that night, he got my number, we just talked, and texted on. pretty soon we met again, and had dinner went back to his place and watched a movie or something. pretty soon i got comfortable enough with him, i started sharing all my insecurities with him, i bet he's even come to this blog to read everything too. i mean its on my profile on the forums, people can just randomly come here to read. he got to know me inside out, my thought patterns, my deep inferiority complex. and he comforted me about them, i let him. i didn't really pay attention to it, but he was falling for me. He was genuinely falling for me. insecure, inferior, stupid me.
as the weeks past, i continued to feel secure with him, told him everything, about how inferior i've been all my life because of my bad acne, how much of a spec of dust i felt all the time. how ugly i felt when i looked in the mirror. how my mom never ever praised me or gave me recognition. how my parents always argued from month to month. everything. i honestly never thought anyone could ever like someone so pathetic and self pitiful like me. but he did.
i don't know. he was a good person to me, he genuinely was. we had a good month, i mean i could be as bimbotic, superficial and stupid around him. i didn't have to fear anything about being found out, or judged. i could be me. when i'm around my secondary school friends, i don't know. i just switch personalities, im quiet, cold. judgmental around them, though i make sure they know i care about them. heck. almost all my friends who i've stuck with throughout the years know i'll always be there for them. i'm just the always be there guy, i'll get to that later. it was liberating i guess, to be able to be stupid, be unafraid of being judged around him. it felt good.
but all good things come to an end right?. i mean he eventually got to confessing his feelings for me. right before he left for america for 3months on a school trip. that was during mid april. it was the night after a barbecue party he had. i'll get into detail to that soon. he told me he liked me, and i didn't feel the same way back. i just saw him as a really good platonic friend. one i could be myself with, one who wouldn't judge me. it felt like i finally had a person i could be honest with, just blurt out everything to, like i finally learnt to trust. but yeah, that all came crashing down. i didn't like him the way he did me. i guess its safe to say our friendship went cabust . i felt so terrible.
not being able to like someone who did so much for me. i mean i get it, its love. you can't choose who you fall for, and you can't prevent anyone from falling for you. but its not nice to break a heart, because i know what its like to have it crushed too. i felt like a horrible dick head. i didn't deserve him really, i didn't. the following days would involve a lot of thinking and self reflecting. i mean i should've taken notice of his feeling and stopped them there and then.
i don't know. this is probably the 10th time i've said i don't know. perhaps a subconscious part of me actually liked the feeling of being wanted. to have someone actually love me for me. nevertheless i broke his heart.
he had a roomate friend like thing. i remember exactly when his friend said to me when i asked if he was ok the next day. " stop using my friend to feed your need for attention, you unloved child " . oh and it stung like a bitch. i mean i don't blame his friend, thats what friends do for you. insult the bitch who broke your heart. but it did hurt, to have my self esteem issues and perhaps my subconscious yearnings addressed in such a harsh manner.
the whole incident thought me something important though. i'll never have anyone i can truly be myself with, without fearing what would eventually happen anymore. my fears of trusting people all the while, were in fact valid. i mean i'd feel like a burden all the time, i remember there was this phase where i'd confide in this korean girl friend of mine all the time, i didn't want that. to be dumping on her all the time. i mean who was i to be dumping all my baggage on her.
i'm more used to receiving the baggage. nevertheless, it just feels like i can never be open with anyone, this entire incident just made me feel so, so. wicked and malicious. like what if i wanted him to fall for me so i could reject him? subconsciously i mean. i mean i crave acknowledgement and praise, and he gave that to me. perhaps i was just bathing in the self reassurance he was giving me. i've questioned myself so much regarding the entire thing. and it just comes to a dramatic conclusion. i've never been open to anyone as much as i was open to him. and it ended tragically, cause he fell for me. and now as im writing this, we haven't kept in touch as much, cause he's in america, and i mean he did try, he really did try to keep in touch with me while he was over there. perhaps it was just the lingering feelings he had.
i remember him telling me i was just fine the way i was, and that i shouldn't go to clubs and shit. and that i shouldn't change at all while he was away those 3 months. but i did, i've grown to, i wouldn't say mistrust. become more careful and reserved about who i'll open up myself to in the future. its tragic isn't it?.
to have to tell someone that its unrequited love.
i finally learnt what it was like to reject someone so beautiful. in a way i get j's position with me at the time. we had a hefty discussion about it too. i'll get to that if i remember. i think i'll go on to the barbecue now. this entire thing has been so draggy. i'll space it and paragraph it later.
The Barbecue April 22nd
so there was a barbecue on that date. it was like a going away party for my friend, cause he was going over to america for 3months, if you're still reading with me. so, since i was close with the organizer i got to know the guest list pretty much more earlier than the rest of the people. ok that sounds so stupid. anyway, one particular person caught my attention. lets just call him, Potato.
potato was someone, j had a crush on before. like months ago. but potato was at that time dating/ just broke up with j's best friend. and j's best friend didn't want potato knowing j, but they met and went out once anyway regardless. so yeah, since potato was going, i decided to ask j if he wanted to come to, obviously he did.
so he came and had a goodnight with potato, (they ended up cuddling and making out) i wasn't surprised to be honest. i was happy for him, because after months of dreading him, resenting him and hating him, we became good friends again. i could honestly be happy for him doing him this favor. little did i know, after that night it would spark so much fucking drama.
The Following weeks, up to mid May
On 23rd April right after the event, we had school, so me and j just left early, because we had class at 12pm, so we left around 7am or so. i felt terrible having to split him up with potato, they were sleeping so happily and soundly. anyway it was nice having to see j be so happy and smiley the entire day.
a few days later, i'd ask him how he and potato was, and they were going alright. but pretty soon, things would turn sour. they went out that week, i forgot which day it was. and potato made it clear to him that he was still not over his ex (j's best friend) . ironically he and the best friend were on very very bad terms already. so, yeah. i guess it stung j a lot.
he started being depressed, started self doubting himself a lot, started to feel that his feelings weren't mutual and unrequited. all the while i was stupidly trying to get him to make a move and comfort him. i notice i like to paint pretty pictures for people, paint them the most brilliant image in their minds. i should stop doing that, it just makes them hurt more in the end right?.
so as the weeks went by and potato didn't make an attempt to talk to j, our friendship got to uneven ground as well. there'd be days where j would be so pissed at me out of spite and jealousy, because i was texting and talking to potato. i mean he asked for my number, and we just talked i guess. there was once i was so stupid and oblivious i used j's phone to talk to potato, and oh god. i regretted doing that, you could immediately tell the response was more positive and happy, and it was all on his phone. i didn't think much of it, but it was a douche bag thing of me to do.
i'd have tweets with potato and long whatsapp convos with him, up till 3am and 4am almost daily, we'd just bullshit and talk about anything and everything, but mostly about j, and i'd question him about his motives and feelings about j, to which he'd casually evade and give little glimpses about the truth of those feelings. potato and me had a blossoming friendship, while my friendship with j just kept hitting rocks. it even came to a point where i'd question myself if i liked potato, i won't even begin to justify my thoughts, but no. i don't think i liked him. j was an important friend of mine, i couldn't do that to him. and honestly, all the convos i had with potato, had j's interests in mind.
nevertheless, j just got endlessly hurt. by me. by potato. i'd feel guilty about having conversations with potato till the wee hours, i'd feel guilty if i happened to be texting him in school and j was beside me. i started subconsciously making sure i don't tweet him. because i didn't wanna see j hurt. i mean he'd try to mask it, but you could tell, he was ripping apart on the inside.
we'd have quarrels whereby j would just get so pissed at me, and there was nothing i could do... he'd tell me it was his problem, that yes he was angry at me, but he had no right to be. i do get where he was coming from, i mean if he was talking to a crush of mine, i'd get a bit jealous, spiteful and angry. actually no, i wouldn't care much, cause im doomed to die alone anyway. back to topic, i tried to understand his anger i really did, but at the same time it stung to see that he didn't trust me.
he didn't trust that i didn't want potato. he didn't trust that no matter how much he's hurt me in the past, i wouldn't do the same to him. he didn't trust me. and it hurt to know that someone whom you've known for a year didn't even know the very core of you. I mean after a long time, you get to read a person, you get to read how they are on the inside, how they respond subconsciously underneath all the fake smiles, or is that analogy only applied to me?. i mean i do describe him as an oblivious dolt . i don't know.
the entire issue would climax somewhere towards the end of may. j's EX best friend would find out that j was involved with his ex, and misunderstood something on twitter. he'd confront j and sarcastically bring him down, scold him and be hostile. he went to potato and gave him an ultimatum, he'd either stop talking to j totally, or he'd i dont know ignore potato. potato obviously still having some lingering feelings would choose the latter.
me and potato would later have a good long conversation, about the ultimatum and our friendship. he assumed that i would just ditch him because of what he was about to do to j. i don't know. perhaps a normal friend would just ditch the aggressor, i mean it makes logical sense right?. but no, i didn't find it fair. potato afterall was given an ultimatum, so i ended up comforting him. it'd end up shambles though, i mean i don't even talk to potato that much as of now. but yeah i guess we're still friends. its kinda hard to continue maintaining and cultivating a friendship when both parties are the can't be bothered type though.
my friendship with potato aside. the entire episode made j have a breakdown on his reality. he started having doubts on himself. started feeling inferior. that smile on his face was slowly fading, and there was nothing i could do about it.
potato at this point didn't matter anymore. i mean the entire issue was over, he made his choice, he told me his motives with j, he told me all his feelings about j, and well i kept it to myself. i shouldered all the secrets from both sides. i comforted them both.
the entire episode had something positive happening though. me and j got closer. we went back to the level we once were before i ruined everything by getting my feelings tangled and then some.
Him and Me
Our friendship became a lot better. i don't know. it just happened, i'd give him a hug, a pat on the back, a tap on the head. crack a lot more jokes, be more witty. i was back to being "myself" with him. and slowly, i could see that idiot smile of his come back.
slowly i didn't realize it. but we would get even closer, we'd go out a lot more, just the two of us. it would end in a little hug. some wishes on safety for the way home. he'd learn that there was so much more to me than just a hefty bank account. ( he always deemed me as a spoiled kid ) . and we'd just kept on getting closer.
a milestone would be when we went to watch some thriller movie, a scary scene or two, he'd grab my hand and rest his hand on my leg. another would be where we held hands for the first time, in a movie too. i don't know how it came about, we just did it.
his messages to me, and tweets to me would become more frequent as well. our friendship was blossoming. it was to me, transcending into something much more than just mere friendship. i don't know how to describe it. i'd end up doing stupid gestures for him, like buy him his favorite treats. the hugs became more frequent. i could see it in his eyes, i became so much significant to him than i was before.
one day, i got into his phone, and got pissed cause he told something so someone i didn't like, and he replied with this.
"I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry. I know that what I did was wrong. I really do. I didn’t think much when I did it. Honestly, yes after him I guess the way I feel towards you did change, I felt envious, jealous and inferior to you a lot recently. But it really has nothing to do with why I did it. I do care about you and you really really matter to me. And just when things were going on fine and after the small and sweet conversation we had the other night, I had to go and screw things up. For us. Although I am kind of pissed that you sort of invaded my privacy and then knowing what I did, I still believe that it is my fault. I mean I don’t know maybe there were things that were on your phone that if I happen to see without you knowing that would upset me too but still, I let you down. I really really feel bad about it. I promise it won’t happen again. I feel ashamed of it and I really am sorry. :’("
one day, he just posted something on tumblr that was i don't know the word to describe it.
"I’ve been feeling rather low about myself lately, like I feel undesirable, I don’ feel attractive, I don’t feel good at all. I’m definitely no where close to happy. I have this friend who means a lot a lot to me and hmm let’s just say I’ve once hurt him before, a lot actually, and recently I just find myself wanting to make up for it, I find myself getting very touchy, and I admit I think I kind of got a little bit too needy too, I go to school with the thoughts of being able to see him and I cannot wait to just spend time with him idk why too. Hmm I guess it must have something to do with my heart getting broken recently too. Maybe I just want some company, someone there for me. But there’s this huge gap between us, and I’m getting kind of sick already. I know you’ve been talking to him. I know it. I’m not stupid. Every time I get close to you, once I see you secretly talking on whatsapp or hiding your phone from me I know it, I feel it in my guts, I detest it. I hate how you always go “You still stalking him.” when you see me going through his photos or his tweets on my phone. I hate how you’ve been tweeting and talking about Pokemon so much recently. I hate how you always cannot wait to reply someone when they ask about how or where did his instagram username came from. I hate how I know you were talking to him right on that day and you delete your chats telling me you haven’t been talking to him. I hate how you obviously blogged about him and you deny it. I hate how I still want to be close to you when I am aware of what is going on. I hate how you lie that you do not like him. You obviously do, if you don’t why would you not be stop talking to him at all. I hate how this whole thing has made me feel about myself. I hate how I actually believe that you might be enjoying this. I hate how you are able to get his attention so easily. I hate how I cannot hate you. I hate how I cannot hate him. I hate how I am bothered by all of this. I hate it. I actually do do do do believe that I would’ve been able to get over him so much more fucking easily if you were not talking to him. I hate this. I hate this so so so so much. "
o
he posted that. it would follow a quarrel of texts. and he told me he didn't want me to leave, " don't push me away " . he's been saying that to me a lot recently, like every time we would have a dispute or about to have one. he'd say. " don't leave "
i guess you guys can sort of understand why i'm so confused now. ok maybe not, at this point you could be like, " meh you guys are prolly just damm close la " .
on the second week of june, as our holidays just started, on June 11th, we went to watch a movie, just the two of us, a close to midnight movie, at marina bay area. we couldn't really do much in the movie, the seats were bad. so idk if were gonna do anything like cuddle or hold hands, at that point i told myself too, we're just really close friends. after the movie we'd walk to marina bay sands, it beautifully lighted. we just sat by the sea side, looked into the horizon and just have our hands around eachother. mine snaked onto his shoulders, and his to my waist . it was a good feeling, we'd hold hands too. i'd give him a smooch on the cheek. and we'd hug real tightly, where he'd plant small kisses on my neck. maybe things were just getting out of hand with all the skinship. i don't know if i should be reading too much into it. eventually we ran out of things to talk about. so we just lied head by head and had music blasting. it was fun really, talking about music, hearing which ones we liked and hated. and witnessing the sunrise together. the scenery was so amazing.
we then proceeded to part ways. he'd text me if i reached home and vice versa. the following days he'd go on to work at orchard. and i went to visit him, with treats in hand, and i'd just accompany him at his work. and when people weren't looking he'd snake his hand around me, and i'd do the same.
the following days, there was a slashing case nearby his workplace. when i heard about it, i felt an urge to just travel down, make sure he was ok and accompany him home, but nah that'd be weird. but nevertheless i made sure he knew i cared, it was weird too, cause remember the close korean girlfriend i mentioned earlier? we had the same sentiments, like we both messaged him at the same time " you home yet? " and stuff like that. it got me thinking that maybe i was just caring for him much like a friend.
the following days would be average i guess, just some chats here n there on twitter. i don't know if my feelings are indeed of affection towards him. i don't know anymore. whether if its on a friendship level, or i actually love him again. i can't tell anymore.
i remember when we went to a club together, and i saw him make out with another guy, i was so enraged, sad. but not devastated, my past self would be home weeping already. i was alright. i mean i had no right to be feeling anything if he made out with someone at all in the first place. he wasn't mine to begin with.
then just yesterday, June 17th. he asked me out again, we went to watch another movie together. this time i don't know. at some point our hands just laced together, and it continued that way for quite awhile. it wasn't weird, it was a norm to both of us now.
we'd walk to marina bay sands again, despite the stupid toxic haze we'd have to brave. and when we reached ulu places, we'd have hands around eachother, or laced together. i don't know how to describe the feeling of having my arm around him, or his around me. i just felt serene. not hopeless madlessly passionate. just plain serene.
he'd go on to tell me about how he met someone recently, and i admit i was a tad affected, but not much. the old me would be again devastated. i even encouraged him to go for it, with some teasing here and there to him. nevertheless, we'd just do what was "norm" to us now.
we got to mbs again, and we struggled, and i mean struggled to find a place to chill, everything was closed, and haze outside meant we couldn't go back to the sea side. we eventually settled on the roof top of the shopping centre. at first we just sat, but then it got to leaning, then eventually i was on the floor and we were cuddling.
we were on top of eachother, side by side. and cuddled. and i finally mustered up the courage, we kissed. we finally kissed. it wasn't all magical like in the movies, but it wasn't sloppy or gross. we kissed. we made out. it was a magical night indeed...
by 4am we'd walk to the convenience store nearby, get a drink and chill. we took a barrage of pictures, and for once, i didn't feel so hideous looking at pictures of myself. i finally felt i looked alright.
by the end of the night where we sent eachother off, it didn't feel weird for me to give him a smooch on the cheek to see him off. i don't know anymore. anne, flamie. i don't know. i don't know what we are.
we're not best friends, but we're not a couple
i'm hopelessly confused with everything. i remember that night he told me that the only reason we're not dating is cause we don't look good together. but isn't all this dating already?. aren't we doing all the things couples do?. aren't we so much more than that already?.
i'm not angry, i'm not affected by it. after what happened the last time when i confessed my feelings to him and he rejected me, and my entire life came crashing down. i think i developed this, lets say self preservation instinct regarding him. like a function so that i wouldn't be so attached to him, in an effort not to get hurt. i mean its proven itself to be real, and functioning, seeing as how him making out with someone didn't tear me down to an emotional wreck. and seeing as how i can wish him all the best and promote him to be with someone new.
another thought comes to mind as well, what if we're only this close because as he's said up there. he's just needy. he just needs someone whom he's sure won't ever leave him. me. this is just a coping mechanism constructed by his small brain, for him to get closure from potato?. its a way to cope with his trust issues from having potato wreck him up. plausible right?. even as im typing this, i'm not angry at him even if this was the truth.
i don't get me anymore. i'm just so unaffected sometimes, its amusing, yet terrifying . are my feelings just well suppressed ? afraid that he'll hurt me again? why do i let him use me like this? why do i let him play mind games with me like this?
isit cause deep down, i still love him with my every being, but i'm just waiting for some reassurance from him?. i feel like there's this barrier in my chest. just blocking out something just waiting to burst free. it just feels like my suppressed feelings are dying to break free, but the barrier's just so strong because i'm afraid to get hurt again. because i'm sure he'll hurt me again. i'm just so confused over everything. i really am.
i don't know where i stand with him. but i don't think it'll hurt if i'm just a friend to him in the end. bleh i sound so indecisive and distraught. i just don't know how to explain it.
Grown
yesterday, j told me. he said to me that it feels like i've aged a lot, not physically, mentally. and i kinda agree with him. these past 3months have been such a roller coaster ride. i've learnt so much, experienced so much. i've become slightly more confident in the process.
but i'm still me. i realized i haven't changed much at all. since my maple days, since everything. i may have wised up a bit. get a lot better at english, matured greatly in thinking. but my core, my very being remains the same. i'll always be the guy that's there for his friends. most of them see me as self sufficient, independent emotionally. and i guess that's why i'll always be the guy that's always there. because of exactly how they see me this way. and because no matter how much we've drifted apart, i'll always welcome you back with open arms, regardless of what you've done to me.
oh yeah, guess what. nicholas chang talked to me a few weeks ago, or at least attempted to. he made me realize and understand that i'm one of a kind. he'll never find another friend like me ever. one that has so much love to give, expecting nothing in return.
its unfair really, having to take up and listen to all the problems people throw at me sometimes, always smiling, telling them that they have it so much better, often using myself as an example. cracking jokes, just to see them smile. i do enjoy that. eventhough its unfair, i'm quite fine doing all that, but sometimes, i wish people would look past my smile, my happy exterior.
and see that there's so much more to me than just a self sufficient caring lad. that i crumble, have my own deep seated insecurities, have my own fears. actually probe me on them, and where i can honestly talk about them. get to feel a bit of genuine vulnerable humanity seep out of me onto someone else, instead of always keeping it in.
also i realize, that part of being the guy that's always there. ultimately ends up with me dying alone. i mean i'm not surprised really. i have a feeling in my gut too that i will most definitely die alone. apart from my parents, who genuinely cares for my turmoil?. i know what you guys are gonna say, "how could i think like that?!" obviously yeah, there'll be friends who care about me. but in the end they'll just think im self sufficient, they won't probe deep enough.
i realize that given enough time, saying you're fine to people as a response to everything, they'll eventually stop probing. not just for that issue. but for everything from then on. its not that they don't care. its that they think i can handle it. and most of the time i can handle things on my own. i must sound like a stupid brat now, saying i can handle things yet secretly hoping someone would give me a hug, pry open that closed gate, and make me spew everything out just so they can give me a tighter hug, but i've come to realize that's never gonna happen. because i'm afraid to let people in. not from that episode i've mentioned earlier. just generally. i never let people all the way in. its not easy for me to. and i don't think it'll ever be easy for me to. which is part of why i say i'll die alone.
its funny. looking back i remember me when i met you guys in maple. the spastic kid, who was so. so. amazing. i miss being that kid. and i believe a part of that kid still exists in me today, coming out every now and then to spazz during games, open to making new friends almost everywhere. and then there's also me. the person shaped from everything that's happened in life. the innocent naivety gone, the one who's afraid of letting others in.
it just feels like, i've accepted everything that's gonna happen already. and because of that i'm indifferent. i've accepted that perhaps j will never ever think of me as anything more. that i'll die alone. that i'm afraid of letting others in. like once you've accepted everything. it just leaves you feeling. nothing.
i'm finally done writing everything on my mind. i applaud anyone who makes it this far. hahaha.
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