September 6th 2011 - thoughts

firstly, shall describe my day,
skipped extra holiday classes today, was feeling too tired and couldn't be bothered to wake up. apparently i missed a scolding from my physics teacher cause i didn't know how to do a question.
he's a nice guy, but meh. i don't see why a student has to be scolded if he or she cannot comprehend a question instead the educator should give the solution in a way that the student can comprehend. isn't that what an educator should be?

anyways. woke up at 3pm, went into maple for awhile to check things out. afterwards went on to surf the internet for quite awhile, wasting a few hours of life. which i could be using to study. but ah well. went on to play hon later at about 8pm.

got slightly in touch with wei cheng again along the way. were talking about his love life. which apparently i shouldn't be bothering about. he was going on about some girl he probably just met and he was apparently matchmaking her off with the guy she likes. ironic. but well he spent a good 2hours on the phone with her. actually i think he's a decent guy at least. i don't imagine him being forever alone. but he has a snobbish attitude and a chauvinistic outlook in life. and terribly stubborn to his beliefs. right or wrong. i'd like to see how he'd treat a girl though, would be interesting. he was telling me she probably gave up on trying to know the guy she likes. he said it was a good thing for himself, and asked me what to do next.

im not being confident, but i think i give at least decent love advice. i told him to wait till she's over him, and he asked me when. here's the exact convo
[12:34:31 AM] Koh Wei Cheng: ya lor
[12:34:39 AM] Koh Wei Cheng: what to do?
[12:34:41 AM] Kenji Furuhashi: wait.
[12:34:44 AM] Koh Wei Cheng: haizzzz
[12:34:44 AM] Kenji Furuhashi: lol
[12:34:48 AM] Koh Wei Cheng: =.=
[12:34:51 AM] Koh Wei Cheng: how long sia
[12:34:56 AM] Kenji Furuhashi: till she gets over it?
[12:34:59 AM] Kenji Furuhashi: till u know her more?
[12:35:07 AM] Kenji Furuhashi: till u get super close?
[12:35:08 AM] Kenji Furuhashi: ._.
[12:35:09 AM] Koh Wei Cheng: i know her alot liao lor
[12:35:19 AM] Kenji Furuhashi: if u say so
[12:35:20 AM] Kenji Furuhashi: lol
[12:35:26 AM] Koh Wei Cheng: cause i know so :P

i mean its not wrong for me to tell him to wait isit? i swear he only knew her for at least a month. i mean really get to know her, not just hi bye in school type of "know" >_> and as his personally depicts. he thinks so highly of himself. ironic. how he claims he knows her so well and hardly has the testicles to talk to her in real life himself. expected of a person i consider a simpleton i guess.

went on to maple and rot somemore.

anyways back to the real rant. his issue has got me thinking. and well everyone falling in love suddenly has got me thinking. i know love is something i don't need yet, im still 16, but yes. recently i've been yearning for company, the company of someone i can share a special connection to. someone who i can rant, someone i can go out with regularly someone i can talk to everyday, share my experiences and my thoughts. i want love its not wrong for me to want love. i know that, but instead of attempting to search for it via superficial reasons like my simpleton friends. why doesn't it come to me?. for the past 3years i've had nothing at all, but ofcourse for the past 3years this hasn't been an issue for me. as i chose to rely on friends for the comfort and super i need. but as of recently i started thinking a lot more, about my life my friendships, etc and came to a conclusion. Almost all the friends i've made in real life are based of superficial reasons, at first i was hurt obviously, it made me realize that all these "friendships" were based on the give and take theory, i give my comical personality and enthusiastic fake smiles. and take their company in return. not alot of it actually. im on the loosing end. but i've given more then just my comical talent, i've given my listening ear countless of times as well as company for when they are down, i attempt to cheer them up sucessfully most of the times, but i get nothing of the same sort in return. such irony. and that is mainly why i yearn for a partner these days.yes it'll be for superficial reasons, but i doubt it'll be that way for long. i mean if i truly like that person and if that person likes me back, it'll be a relationship formed via superficial reasons that blossoms into something much more, im tired of waiting for my mr or miss right. it sucks to feel constantly alone in this cruel world. yes i have a family, but there are issues i face which my parents do not comprehend. i am no longer satisfied by just mere friendships. i want something more.

i'll rewrite the entire letter i wrote in paper on the day i felt so horrible i had to pen my thoughts down and barely spoke to anyone. much unlike my usual quirky self.

i admit i am vain, ive rejected several advances from people who attempt to know me, mostly because they are so much older then what i envisioned my ideal partner to be, also mostly because they wanted to know me for the wrong reasons. but then i met you, at first i was infatuated by that sweet smile, but as i got to know u more as a person, we share some similar thoughts, perhaps it was predestined that we met, i really wish u gave me time to know you more, you claim no one wants to invest emotions in you, theres one person right here. snooping down to the level of stalking your website facebook ,etc is not something i want to be my forte, i especially felt more connected to you when u described relationships and love, i agree with you mostly when you stated as humans we never want to feel alone, i being a prime example. a relationship is either enhanced friendship, or well lust personified, theres an eed to be together a mutual need for as you stated to feel understood. i want that. i want to be liked,feel understood,feel wanted. im sad. im tired of all the superficial relationships i keep in my life its superficial not because im not willing to get to know the person more, its superficial because im the only one contributing in both efforts and emotions to keep that pathetic superficial used friendship alive. i claim that these relationships are bad for me and i sound rather pathetic but as i've said previously, i keep them because ultimately i don't want to be completely alone in this cruel world, i want someone to understand me to comfort me as im down , though i say this obviously nobody is going to do so. im clearly in such a great emotional pain right now. anyone can tell, and yet one of the people i placed trust and well my emotions in, clearly chooses to ignore the pain im going through. i wish he'd at least asked why im so down today. or at least make an attempt to see what im writing to find out more, he chooses to close a blind eye, be ignorant to the fact im hurting so much on the inside, a great example of a superficial friendship, on the other hand someone whom im not even close to expressed concern over my predicament. i've currently expressed my emotions over the past 2hours of paper.

wow thats about almost the end of that letter i wrote to myself
LOL that was about a month ago. and im still feeling the same way i did. just a little more accepting of it i've gotten over that joel joshua goh for about a few weeks. no use picking old wounds. just redescribing the poop i feel again. about friendships about the acceptance and understanding i yearn to feel from someone.

man this is definitely verbal shit. i've spammed sorry flamie and anne LOL.