its been 3 months since i last posted something.
how have you two been? i know flamie's being annoyed at having to keep up conversations with people and socializing. uni seems like a good experience though.
Having spent 2 months blissfully in love, and in 2 weeks 3 months, i'd like to pen down my thoughts on the issues we've had. nothing much really. just one thing that is the constant cause of everything. basically, my
insecurity.
I know he loves me. that i do, and he constantly reassures me that he does, which i believe. but then i start to wonder, why me? why did he chose me? well that's love for you. Looking back to last year, when he crushed my heart and soul into smithereens, how did it end up with him forming feelings for me this time.
Aesthetically speaking, i'm not the biggest catch, i don't have a body sculpted to perfection, heck i'm as skinny as a bamboo, my face looks like something that's been poked into constantly. the only thing he constantly compliments me about is my eyes. Which is nice to hear. But i mean why me? He's had so many other people in terms of looks, i mean really, I've seen some of them and feel like a constant spec of dust in their presence.
I guess all this stupidity stems from my acne scars. Having been through around 6 laser procedures and seeing as how my face still has them, idk, i wish i had perfect skin. I'd be more confident then. I hate having to feel insecure because of how small i feel. I know he loves me, I know he picked me out of all the better guys he could've chosen. But every now and then I wonder and start to think, you know?.
I wish I could see myself as perfectly as I see him. I wish I could see the worth in myself that he sees. But I don't. Being in a relationship is amazing. It really is. There's been countless of moments where I've told myself how lucky I am to have him. How blissful I feel. But like yin and yang, there's also the opposite end of the spectrum, that's been appearing more recently. The insecurities, the over thinking and the nights spent wondering why me?. He could honestly do better. But he's settled for me.
I wish I could feel like I'm worthy, worthy of being his. I hate feeling like I'm not the best he could have. I hate how much I resent myself to this extent. I hate how possessive I'm becoming.
I don't want to be like one of those crazy freakos who want to know where and what their partners are doing every single moment. Heck I'm not one of those, but everytime he's out with a one of his other gay friends, and he doesn't check in every now and then, the thoughts just spiral into chaos, the emotions seep in, and again I start to question my worth.
I also don't want to be one of those people who say, "NO YOU CAN'T GO OUT WITH XXX" and stuff, because I trust him. I do. I just don't trust my thoughts and emotions to stay calm. I trust him, just not the other person. It's happened before, where he went to supper with someone at midnight, granted it was a free meal and he asked me to which I said it was alright. Although it was painstakingly obvious I wasn't. I got upset and within an hour or two, I was an emotional wreck. I don't want to be that way, and in no way do I blame him. Its just my self esteem issues.
I wonder would visiting a psychiatrist help? I mean to get rid of my self worth issues.
Even his other friends were shocked. Surprised expressions and questions such as "seriously? of all people" are thrown around every now and then. Exactly, why me of all people.
I just want to know he feels proud for having me. Because it feel so amazing to know I have him.
But the truth is, some part of me actually believes that he's not proud to have me. Because in this circle, appearances are everything.
It feels like I'm the bad accessory he's ended up stuck with because its latched on too tightly.
I just want to be reassured that I'm worth more.
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