given the chance, how'd i like to redo my 4months of poly.
1. Friendships I've forged
firstly, i don't regret making the friends i've come to hang out with in my class,
but i can't help but wonder what'd it be like if i stuck to a different group, more notably the pretty flamboyant girls in the class, ( i was hanging out with them during the first day of camp ) what'd i be like now? and what' would probably happen. well. i see myself being a kind friend-zoned guy always being used for academics and favors, just to impress the so called pretty people i hung out with, not very encouraging, but yeah. im guessing they'd still be caring for me and all, but not like real friends do. amusing isn't it, but i actually think i'd be with lesser drama and chaos in that scenario .
but come to think of it, like i said, i've never regretted being friends with the people im with now. they're an awesome bunch, though a few of them make me wanna tear my hair off. i'd never give up knowing them. weird thing to say, i mean after poly i doubt we'd be as close as we were anyway. even now as i type this i've withdrawn myself to social isolation, seeing as how my mental state prevents me from acting properly.
like the other day, i was off at orchard shopping with chloe and kimberley, and i saw him there, well you know, the really close friend i've fallen for. i immediately came off as rude and snobby, eventhough i should've just hugged him or smth. looking back i wanna slap myself. because if i handled things completely differently in the first place, i would've been able to save whatever shred friendship we both might've had in the first place. which brings me to my second do-over scenario dreams-cape, if that's the proper word for it.
2. The Friendship that got too Intense
in the first place, i shouldn't have even let myself care for him that so much in the first place, i mean i've well maintained a friendship whereby i hear the problems of most of my friends and proceed to console them, never ever divulging mine to begin with. i should have just left it like that, i mean why the hell should i care for him in the first place, i mean we're just friends, and he's clearly stupid ignorant mindset only "allows" him a single "best friend" well in his stupid tiny compact brain of his anyway. so to begin with i should've just allowed the distance between us to be at its maximum.
and that's where the first problem began, i got too close and cared too much. well can't blame me right, i see him everyday in school, and he so stupidly expresses his emotions so terribly obviously, and me being the good kind person i am, let myself express my concerns whenever he felt sad or angered. much to my dismay. oh and the best part, whenever we had an argument or a conflict, which happened on a weekly basis every now and then during the first 3months of my poly education, he could just brush it off as nothing happened to him, and i was always the one giving in at the end, because in my mind, i didn't wanna lose him. well i should've just let go and let him come to me, although i doubt he would end up apologizing in the first place (he's so terribly stubborn).
so i can't help but think if i didn't hold on to our friendship that much, i would've ended up being happier, seeing as how he would never think about me the same way i do, i should've just been casual friends with him, with proper manners and etiquette, instead of making him laugh, and insulting him with my humor on a daily basis, then maybe i wouldn't have fallen for him in the first place. and to add on, he has a legion of people to talk to in the first place, why did i need to be the one to express concern, stupid decision on my part.
yes, i regret ever becoming close to him. i should've just maintained a "hi-bye" or a just hang out in school relationship with him. afterall, knowing myself after i get too close to someone, i start falling for them. or getting emotionally attached, and we all know how well that works out for me.
if i just let myself be a cold hearted bitch, things would've been different, i might've saved myself that 1month of anger, grief and pain. as well as spare myself the drama i have to go through with him. he doesn't even value me as i do now anyway. and that brings me to the 3rd thing i should've done differently.
3. The feelings I should have hid
well, early july i've started to feel something for him, that warning sign itself should've been enough to tell me that i needed to reevaluate my situation and that i should've made an effort to ignore and or focus on other things instead of him. but no, being the hopeless romantic i am. i let myself get closer, oh the hugs and the cuddling oh and the way he grabbed my arm to lay on in class, that should've stopped, but no i let those continue. well to him that kind of intimacy must be common, seeing as how he did that everyday to me. i shouldn't have taken anymore meaning to that. but i did. and let myself get lead on. and slowly but surely, the bottled up feelings intensified ever so slowly, to the brink of exploding. which it did, in my little confession note.
but by then, he was already into someone else, which i gravely frowned upon. oh but that didn't matter, he was in paradise. and slowly i was being sent on a paid vacation to heartbreak city to which i was resident to for about a month.
looking back, i should have just stopped the intimacy there and then. kept the feelings to myself, and wished him all the best even if i was tearing up inside, that perhaps could've spared us our one sided valued friendship. but then again, nothing ventured nothing gained right? and well as the saying goes, heart break makes us stronger. ok im lying, that is complete bullshit. i should've just kept things to myself like i've always had, plastered a fake smile across my face and act completely normal, i mean it wasn't that hard, seeing as how i wanted acting to be a potential profession for me in the future anyway.
i mean if i hid those stupid feelings, been there for him when that dick head dumped him, i probably would've had a better chance to begin with, i mean i could be the rebound guy he needed at that point, but nah, being a rebound sucks anyway. and maybe if i did, he would express himself better with me, i mean he doesn't even talk to me much about his issues now anyway. probably because he doesn't trust me as much anymore, i mean who cares, but it still kinda hurts. how i long for the times where he'd talk to me about his problems and i'd judge him in silence, then proceed to make him laugh with a snide comment about his handling of the matter.
4. The aftermath of his journey to heartbreak city
to start off, once i read twitter on that very fateful day, i was so filled with joy, because hey he got his heart broken and now i felt like we were even. and i was probably the first one he told that he was broken on the inside. i should've just taken a cab down to console him, imagine the psychological effect that would've had on him, despite breaking my heart i'd still be that awesome friend who'd take a cab halfway across singapore just to make sure he was alright. that would've upp-ed his dependence on me by a whole chunk. but that's not the right reason to why i should've done so. i should have done so because i am a good friend, not because i had a hidden agenda. but me well being stupid and kinda lazy in the first place, didn't take the cab down, cause i hardly knew where exactly he lived in the first place, so it would've been hard for me to navigate myself to him.
but if i did, i can't help but think we'd be much closer now and that we'd probably be close to getting together, well for him anyway, the feelings would've started brewing on that night. like in those cliche movies where a single night of sobbing alone with someone you're friends with can have such a major impact. but no i didn't and spared myself the $20 it would've taken to get to him. oh well, thats the whole point of do-over scenarios eh? thinking how things would've ended up, but not having the chance to actually change anything in the first place.
5. The Major Gravity of a Sleepover
so about a week, after the holidays started, and where he got his heart broken, he left his ear piece with me when we went out, and i kinda "forgot" to return them to him, to be honest i was in the train station already when i realized they were with me and he already went of with his friend. SOOOOOOO.... anyway. he came over the next day to get them back, ( his small cranium capacity couldn't live without musical entertainment ) so we came over, with an intent to swim, though we never did get the chance to, it was raining and he was kinda lazy, to be honest i wanted to flaunt my super lean figure to him, JOKING ofcourse. but yeah i wanted it to play out like in those stupid cliche movies, where swimming is a wonderfully fun and romantic activity, the pushing into the water, the splashing, and the fun. but yeah we didn't get to.
the sleepover, went fairly well, till dinner ofcourse, my step siblings came over for a hot pot dinner, oh yeah imagine how awkward it must've been, my siblings probably thought he was my boyfriend or something. and that thought was reinforced ofcourse when they found him on top of me in my bed when they came to say goodbye to me, because i grabbed his phone and he tackled me to get it back. AWKWARD. i know. anyway the night went fairly well, and at this point let me state, that i've already been suppressing my feelings and given up on us being together.
but as the night progressed, oh joy, we were watching a nice comedy series, a really good and funny one, both of us on my bed, under a blanket, on my pillow, in the blissful darkness, tacky yet romantic, and half the time he was like leaning or laying down on my stomach, with a pillow on top ofcourse, so yeah. as the night progressed and the laughter and energy died out, well for him ( i was nocturnal ) . he suggested we go sleep, so being the gentleman i was, i let him sleep on my bed, and proceeded to go onto the bed on top, ( it was a double decker ) oh thats where the troubles began, he woke up and asked me to sleep with him. which i stupidly did, i should have just rejected n be a good host, but no instead i listened.
along our journey to slumber land, he started hugging me, like a bolster, i mean ok.... yeah and me being still in love, reciprocated, so we were kinda sleeping like a couple, with lots of cuddling, hugging and breathing on eachother. it was weird, because up till then i didn't even think about us ever being together, so yeah. awkward. but afterwards as we finally got to sleep, at around 4am. i woke up at 5 to the sound of his horrible snoring. i tried to brush it off, but i couldn't so... at around 6, ish he woke up,and the cuddling continued, in was pitch darkness, and yeah, things kinda got intense. there were some grabs here and there, some touching of manparts. etc. and thats where i made a mistake, i was hesitant to kiss him. because i wasn't really comfortable, i mean he thought of me as nothing more as a friend, and with that thought firmly implanted into my head, i rejected the idea of making out with him. looking back, i should've just done so, and proceed to well, doing the deed. but with my moral values and mind still intact i didn't. it wouldn't be right, though i really really wanted him so much.
i refused to give in to my primal needs. but now really regret it, i mean he gave me the signal, and i should've just followed suit. i mean we would have been so much closer if everything went down like some porn movie. but it wouldn't have been for the right reasons. and so the sun rose and we ended things like friends, we stopped the intimacy and proceeded to actually sleeping. and he was so nice when we were in that perpetual darkness, though he became nasty after the sun had risen.
so the sleepover ended there, i had to meet chloe at about 1pm so we just left my home at around 12 and took the train where i alighted first. looking back that night was a wonderful experience for me, though i say i would've done things differently, like probably do the deed or at least kiss him. i don't regret not doing so, because it wouldn't be the right thing to do. so i don't blame my instincts or myself for that matter. but yes the cuddling and hugging was amazing, especially on my bed. and i wish i could relive that experience again. but, that night was probably a revelation for him, that me and him would probably nothing other than just friends. or perhaps it was an eye opener for him, that we could be more, i'm not sure.
so as the days pass, and i was coming to terms that we could be together, even in the smallest of chances, i started yet again caring for him, wishing him a good day, texting him at night, and well just being there and encouraging him. and pretty soon, he too would text me, and on a particular night, call me just for a chat, though i think he was kinda high, so he was either drugged or had alcohol which i doubt was the case for either. so it was a genuine call to talk to me. it was a happy period for me.
until i found out he was making a present for the guy that dumped him, but still being the good friend i am, proceeded to comfort him through his gift making process, (obviously he was still hurting) and even gave some suggestions.
well the happy period continued, i was spending my days and nights gaming and enjoying myself, while occasionally talking to him, though i was always the one to initiate the conversation, i was happy.
7. The conflict risen from shoe shopping and tea
so following the end of my social isolation, ( i had to stay away from social gatherings and outings for about a week, cause i had my acne scars lasered and i looked like a huge puffer fish ) i decided it was time to go out. so i went out with my chloe and kimberley, for the day. i even got new shoes for myself, to which delighted him on twitter anyway.
so, along the way of my shopping venture, he decided to pop out of nowhere, and well i wasn't really ready to see him, because my hair was a mess, my clothing was casual, and i just wanted to look amazing for when i saw him again, so i didn't really know how to react, or how to be nice for that matter. and so i snubbed him off and was rather rude. so that was a mistake on my part.
if i could redo my situation, i would've been nice and probably hug him or something, and now he's pissed off at me. though i did apologize at around midnight, things aren't really the same as of yet. and i've found myself distancing myself from him for now. because i want him to talk to me first, and because i didn't wanna suffocate him anymore with my hysterical caring attitude. and he's working now so he probably doesn't have the energy to spare for me. and not to mention he's still so obviously hung up over the guy that dumped him. even more so as of now.
8. The compilation of how I'd do-over my time
i would've been nicer to him,
i would let him trust me more,
i would've given him enough distance,
i wouldn't have suffocated him with my affection.
i wouldn't have been so caring,
and i miss him and wish i did things so much more differently, then probably we'd be closer or together. but then again, thats the whole point of do-overs , they're just the fantasy and i'll never have the chance to redo them, i'll just have to live with it.
- on a side note : i had so much fun typing this, i don't know why. but it was so enjoyable going down memory lane and playing how things would've ended up with my different actions and or decisions.
- and on another side note : i realized how bitchy sounding i've become in this entire post, holy crap.
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